Reality Check: Love and Belonging

According to Choice Theory, we have basic needs, and much of what we do is an attempt to satisfy those needs. Some actions are effective; others not so much. Most of the time, we likely don’t think of needs as the driver behind our decisions.
However, there is real, practical value to being aware of those needs. For example, if you’ve ever wondered, “Why did I do that?” then you know that having a way to understand human behaviour, even our own behaviour, could be useful!
Recently, I’ve been examining our basic needs from the perspective of looking at what we want. What would satisfy those needs?
Previously, I’ve looked at freedom, fun, and power/recognition. This time the question is, “What do you want when it comes to love and belonging?”
You don’t need a lot of life experience to realize that different people want different levels of connection with others. There are at least some of us who would happily live in an Alaskan cabin, only emerging a few times a year for flour and salt.
Then there are the folks who want constant interaction. In their perception, an hour alone is an hour wasted or worse. Constant contact is now more possible than ever, as even when you can’t have face-to-face contact, there is the option of constant virtual contact by phone, text and social media.
Somewhere between those extremes you’ll find the rest of us. What do we want?
In some cases, our wants can simply not be satisfied as we would like them to be. We may want the companionship of someone who is no longer with us. We may want the love of someone who has no interest in loving us. Those are hard realities to accept. The best I can do here is to suggest that we look for other ways, other people, to help us to satisfy the need. We both know this is hardly an ideal answer. But it may be a realistic one.
If you do happen to have the love and belonging in your life that satisfies you, then I suggest that you cherish it. Guard it. Appreciate it. You could even tell the people who give you this sense of satisfaction that you appreciate them. It’s surprising how helpful that can be!
Through our experiences, some of us have learned a disturbing lesson: it can be easier to destroy a relationship than to create one.
My suggestion this time may only apply to a few people; it’s for anyone who had a relationship that was once good but has now grown cold. Perhaps it doesn’t exist at all, as a result of disputes, misunderstandings or simple neglect.
What to do? Consider reaching out. See what happens.
There’s the possibility that your initiative will be ignored. It might even be rejected, perhaps in a nasty, ungracious way. People can be like that.
On the other hand, they may be delighted to hear from you. It may restart a once-good relationship and transform it into a deeper, more mature one. I don’t know what will happen. But either way, you will have learned something.
So much of Choice Theory is about relationships. How can we get along with other people? A Choice Theory mindset promotes using caring habits that bring people together, rather than destructive habits that drive us apart.
Relationships can be messy. They can be annoying. But they can also be tremendously fulfilling, bringing us learning, freedom, fun, and security.
What do you want from your relationships? And, what do you bring to your relationships?