Both good events and bad events are happening all the time. Babies are born, but loved ones pass away. Financial situations rise or fall. Living arrangements change for the better or for the worse. Friends and family may draw closer together or they may fall apart.
Some of those events are under our control, but certainly not all of them. Does our perspective influence what happens in our lives?
One Choice Theory recommendation for a more satisfying life is summed up in the title of a book by Dr. Glasser, “Take Charge of Your Life.” One way of dealing with an unsettling lack of control is to take charge. I’d put it like this: “It’s not the event, but how we respond to the event, that makes the difference.”
By now you may be thinking that choosing our response might help us feel better, but does it make any difference in what actually happens? Let’s consider an example; you can decide.
Lois recognizes that her life has recently taken a turn for the better. Her chronic medical issues have diminished, her daughter will be travelling cross-country to spend time with her, and her well-loved car is finally repaired at minimal expense.
Using Choice Theory terms, we could say that her needs for love, belonging, and fun are being satisfied through the upcoming visit by her daughter. Her survival need is being satisfied through her improved health. And her car repair has contributed to satisfying both her need for power and her need for freedom, as she can now come and go as she pleases. All in all, Lois is in a pretty good place.
Now, Lois has a setback. (You knew that was coming, didn’t you?) Her daughter has to delay her visit for an unknown length of time. How will Lois respond?
While Lois has lots of specific options for how to respond, essentially they boil down to choosing from two directions. Lois can choose to take a positive perspective or a negative perspective.
For the negative perspective, Lois could interpret this as the start of a negative spiral. She could choose the mindset, “nothing ever comes through for me, it’s all bad, etc.” Realistically, to stick with this response, she would have to ignore the positives: her improved health and repaired car. But that’s easy enough to do when we have adopted a negative perspective, isn’t it?
If, in her unhappiness, Lois also falls back on what Glasser refers to as destructive habits, she’ll also influence what happens next. Perhaps she criticises her daughter for not making different arrangements or not having a backup plan. It’s not difficult to find fault if we put our minds to it, is it?
What’s the potential result? Lois’s criticism could damage the relationship with her daughter. Few of us enjoy being criticized, so while the delay is unfortunate, now it will also reduce the joy when the visit finally does come to fruition.
The other direction would have Lois taking a positive perspective. She could view the delayed visit for what it is: unfortunate but unavoidable. She could choose to look at the extended pre-visit time as a way to increase her anticipation. She could prepare fun activities and reinforce her improving health through exercise or diet actions.
It is inevitable that our lives will involve a mixture of the happy and the unfortunate. When setbacks strike, it’s easy to become irritated, and take a perspective that “everything is piling on.” Setbacks can throw us off track, and often, we have so many possible responses that we can get confused.
If so, here’s a suggestion to try. When we struggle with many choices, simplify. Ask yourself which direction each choice takes you: is it toward the positive perspective or the negative perspective? Then decide, which do I want to choose?
