The Choice Theory approach to human behaviour includes the idea that we have basic needs. There are just five of those needs, and in recent columns I’ve explored two: freedom and fun. This time, I’ll take a look at another need; it’s one that some people find uncomfortable to acknowledge. It’s the need for power, which I usually express as the need for power/recognition.
Different people have different levels of this need, and we find very different ways to satisfy it. You might associate power with bullying or exploitation. Maybe you see power as controlling others, manipulation, taking advantage.
If you view power as something to wield over other people, then as an ethical person, you may want no part of it. “I don’t need power,” sounds like a reasonable response.
However, we do have some form of power need, and I’m hoping to persuade you that not only is it reasonable,
but that we, individually and as a society, are better off if we can effectively satisfy that need without harming or attempting to control others.
Try this thought-experiment. Has there been a time when you felt powerless? That is, you perceived that you were under someone else’s control? Perhaps you were ill, broke, or friendless. If you’ve never had those experiences, then you are fortunate indeed. You can use your imagination instead of your memories.
At that time, how did you interact with people, including people who were genuinely trying to help you? Were you grateful? Gracious? Or did you perhaps lash out, resenting that others could, and were, telling you what to do?
Now contrast that with a time when you’re feeling strong. Let’s say that you’ve accomplished a difficult task and someone you respect has recognized and praised you for it. How did you interact then? Is it easier to be gracious, generous, and grateful when you are feeling strong and in control of your life? Does that make it easier for us to be pleasant, friendly, and encouraging of others?
When we can effectively satisfy our power/recognition need without harming others, and furthermore, surround ourselves with people who do the same, we create a positive feedback loop. The positivity that we generate helps others and it can return to us in the form of encouragement and support.
By now you may be asking, “But how do we do this?” Well, we can only control what we can control, and that’s ourselves. We can’t make others notice, respect, or esteem us, can we? No.
However, we are not “powerless.” There are actions we can take; experiments we can try. What we deliberately do and think can be where we can shine.
First, we can choose to conduct ourselves in a way that deserves respect and esteem. We may not get it; we may not be recognized for it, but we can know that we are consciously, deliberately, acting in a way that’s worthy of respect. That has value, even if no one else appears to notice. (And remember, we don’t always know what other people notice.)
Second, we can choose to do things of value. We can keep our promises. We can act with purpose. We can create something useful, whether it’s a simple meal or a complex project.
Finally, we can recognize other people when they act in ways that are worthy of respect. When you see someone doing something worthy of recognition, speak up. Tell them. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just let them know, “I see what you did there, and I appreciate it.” See what happens.
What’s your perception of the need for power? Have you figured out positive ways to satisfy yours?
