Reality Check: Alternatives to Anger

Last time, I wrote about Dr. Glasser’s rather unusual way of discussing emotional states. He suggests that we use language that reflects that we have choices, such as, “I am choosing to be anxious,” rather than “I am anxious.” It’s a subtle but meaningful difference. When we say “I am choosing this,” then we are also recognizing our ability to follow up with, “But I could choose differently.”
Emotions are valuable.
Love, joy, serenity; they all enhance our lives. However, you know as well as I do that some emotions, such as anger, can contribute to our misery rather than our satisfaction.
Angry attacks can damage relationships beyond repair. Even when we don’t display our anger but simply carry it within us, anger can displace the joy in our lives.
This is not to suggest that anger is never useful, or that it’s unjustified or purposeless. Not at all. But let’s consider a situation where we’re angry, (or “angering,” as Glasser might say), we know it’s not helping, and it may actually be harming us. If we would like to rid ourselves of it, or at least reduce its impact, what can we do?
It’s easy enough to say, “I am choosing to be angry; now I will choose something else.” Easy to say; not so easy to do.
But we have doable options. An effective first step toward solving many problems is to ask ourselves sincerely, what do I really want? Do I want to let go of my anger? You don’t have to tell me or anyone else, but it’s helpful to at least be honest with yourself.
You may want to choose anger. If someone has hurt you and you are still seething, you may as well accept that you want to be angry for a while and live with it. We can be angry without letting it bother or control us.
On the other hand, you may decide that you’ve been angry long enough and you’d rather experience the freedom and peace of being anger-free.
Once you are clear on what you want, you can create a plan of action. What will you do now? What will you do differently?
If you’ve decided that you want to continue with anger, I’d suggest that you include a timeframe in your plan. For example, I’m going to be angry for the next month, and then I am done with it. Or I’ll re-evaluate whether I still want to choose anger.
But perhaps you’ve decided that you want to quit the anger. How would you do that? Changing thoughts or actions is more effective than attempting to change the angry feeling directly. Thus, a plan could include: when I feel angry, I will listen to cheering, calming music. I will phone a friend. I will memorize and recite an inspirational verse. I will take a walk. I will count to 1000. Backwards. By 3s.
Granted, all options aren’t available to us all the time. If your manager is giving you grief, it’s impractical to say, “I’m choosing to walk on the beach now.” However, even then, we have choices. We can choose our thoughts. We can choose to accept the anger or not. If we do keep it, we have another choice: to express the anger or keep it to ourselves.
New skills take practice. Is it worthwhile? Consider this bonus: Along with self-discipline comes personal freedom. When you have the ability to conduct yourself deliberately, then you are not so easily controlled by impulse or external influences. Is it worth the effort? That’s your choice.
Do you believe we can choose alternatives to anger?