In our lives, we may have blissful times. Those are the days when everything is going smoothly. Relationships with friends and family are warm and satisfying, work or purpose is well in hand and headed in the direction that you want, you are healthy in body and mind, you have hope for the future, and optimism that you have or can achieve the life you want to live.
Wherever you go, you get cooperation, friendliness, good will. Your expectations are met at every turn. How does that sound? Wow.
However, there are also times when it’s not such smooth sailing, and it can seem to be a very sharp turnaround indeed.
Let’s take a look at Iris. After some tumultuous years, Iris finally has the fundamentals in place for a good life. She is healthy, lives in a comfortable place, has some financial security, and a small, close group of friends. Her basic needs, those that Dr. Glasser says are common to all of us: security/survival, power, freedom, love/belonging, and fun are all being met to a satisfactory level.
Then Iris got a letter. She didn’t fully understand it, but it seemed to suggest that her financial situation wasn’t as she had believed it to be.
Iris could feel her response. Her heart began racing, her breathing got faster, and her belly tightened. That’s her physiology.
How about feelings? Iris immediately got frightened. She also felt dread, anger, resentment… Many emotions; none are positive. Those are her feelings.
What about thoughts? There’s confusion, “I don’t understand” and maybe even “I’m stupid.” She racks her brain, wondering what to do. Memories of previous unpleasantness bubble up in her mind. Those are her thoughts.
How about actions? She rereads the letter. Scours the internet, ineffectively. Decides she has to take a break, so she sits at the TV. She adds in some high-calorie snacks for comfort. Those are her actions.
That response is a description of what Choice Theory refers to as “total behaviour.” Together, the four elements: actions, thoughts, feelings and physiology make up our behaviour.
You may have noticed that our physiology and feelings respond quickly; we don’t seem to have much direct control over them. However, we can exert some control over our actions and our thoughts.
The powerful insight from Dr. Glasser and others is that when we take control of our actions and thoughts, we can influence our feelings and physiology.
Thus, the most effective response for Iris is to choose actions and thoughts that will lead her to where she wants to go, which is toward clarity and resolution of this confusing, frightening information.
However, that’s often easier said than done, isn’t it? The path ahead may seem so daunting that we want to pull back, pull the covers over our heads, and avoid all human contact. You already know the problem with that: tomorrow it’s likely that the problem will still be there.
What to do? When we don’t know what to do, try taking one small step in the right direction. Just one step for today.
For Iris, I might suggest a small step such as, think of someone who can help you. A professional, a trusted friend, or even someone who could recommend someone. Look up their number. Make a call, even if it’s just to say, “I have a problem and I need your help.” Make an appointment. That’s a pretty good step for a day.
They may respond with “Yes” or “No.” If it’s “No,” Iris could ask for a suggestion as to who else she might call. Either way, Iris has made a first step. She will need to take more steps, but at least she’s on a path. One step is infinitely more effective than no step.
What do you do when events throw you off course?
