Do you ever get the feeling that you are too predictable? Every day it’s same old; same old. Your friends, spouse, or children tell you they know what you think and what you will do next. The worst of it, you realize that they are probably right! Much of the time, we act according to our habits and patterns. We do what we’ve done before.
We have valid reasons for this! We learn from experience (if we choose to do so.) When we find an action that works well, it’s not a bad idea to keep using it. We might use the same response so often that we don’t even think about it.
Given that, why would I suggest that we do something completely different? Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that we take a different approach to everything! No, no, no. If you have found that certain behaviours work well for you, by all means, keep ‘em!
My comment stems from a line in Dr. Glasser’s book, “Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage.” Although he’s talking specifically about marriage (he wrote this book with his wife, Carleen) the lessons he presents could be useful for many relationships: friends, family, work, community…
In the chapter titled, “A Little Creativity Can Save Your Marriage,” the topic of predictability comes up. Remember that this book is written for marriages where the partners are having some difficulty. When we have a dispute, you may notice that the same issues keep coming up. As Glasser puts it, “What we are trying to tell you is stop treading on old ground that you have gone over a million times before.”
So many great ideas are easier said than done, don’t you find? However, the Glasser’s offer one main suggestion that could really help, providing we manage to keep it in mind when we’re actively involved in the dispute. This is, avoid the deadly habits (such as criticizing, complaining, and blaming.) Those habits are easy to slide into (and we often believe that we are justified in using them.) However, if we can avoid those habits while we are having a dispute, this will make a difference.
However, helpful suggestions like that might not leap to our minds during a difficult interaction. Our engrained habits are pretty hard to change, aren’t they? Especially when we are angry or frustrated.
So here’s a smaller, specific suggestion to try. Let’s say you’re in the throes of a dispute. The other person makes a good point. (It can happen.) What do you say?
Your ‘completely different’ response could be, “You know what? I see your point. You’re right and I’m wrong.” The Glasser’s even suggest that you smile when delivering this line. Wow!
When we’re in the midst of a dispute, it’s easy to dismiss any good points made by the other person. We carry on with the dispute, perhaps telling ourselves that they just made an obvious point that anyone would come up with. It’s not a big deal.
The creative alternative says, “I’m prepared to try something completely different by acknowledging that you are right.”
One bit of caution: for the sake of your own integrity, stick to the truth. When you see that the other person has genuinely made a good point, tell them so. However, even if kindness is your motivation, it would be manipulative to suggest that they are right when you know that’s not true.
Acknowledge the right when it appears. See what happens. Do you think the ultimate outcome of a dispute can be changed by such a simple comment?
