Let’s go for a drive together. (Unfortunately, this drive will have to be in our imaginations, but we can pretend it’s as much fun as the real thing.)
We’ll set out on a leisurely trip. There’s nowhere that we have to be at any specific time. No one will be inconvenienced if we meander around the long way to see how the trees look now, how low the river is, and whether there’s wildlife lurking. If we run into construction delays, that’s no big deal. Whoops! We took a wrong turn (it happens); no problem. We’ll figure out how to get back on track sooner or later. It’ll be an adventure!
Now, let’s take a different trip. Same vehicle, same route, but this time, we have an expectation.
Maybe it’s a long-awaited appointment that we must not miss. Or a work meeting with significant consequences. Perhaps we need to meet someone whom we can’t let down. Whatever the reason, it’s compelling. We must not miss our scheduled time.
What happens now if we take a wrong turn? How do we feel? Overwhelmed? Out of control? Maybe even panicky?
Even when we know those feelings don’t help us arrive any faster, it can be a challenge to change them to something more productive and helpful.
In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephan Covey tells the story of Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist imprisoned in a death camp in Germany. During that horrific experience, Frankl came to a realization about freedom. Covey puts it like this: “Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.”
How do we respond to positive stimulus? For example, when someone expresses their love, or does a kindness for us, when we participate in a satisfying event, or even when we experience nice weather. We probably don’t wonder, “How will I choose to respond to this?” We just go with our automatic response; no need for thought.
When we get a negative stimulus, our automatic response is also ready to kick in. What might it be? Panic, withdrawal, flight, fight? We have plenty of options; some helpful, others decidedly not.
Negative stimulus will occur. On our drive, the stimulus was that wrong turn that could make us late. The question is now, “How to respond?”
We have our favourite behaviours and habits. It’s easy to automatically slide into them when faced with a difficult stimulus. If you’ve determined that your usual response is not all that helpful, might it be worth trying out a different choice?
However, it’s hard to choose something different in the heat of the moment, isn’t it? So, it’s worth thinking about alternative responses when we are not in the thick of an event. My suggestion is to take some time when we’re happy and feeling creative to come up with responses we can use in a difficult situation.
What kinds of responses? Your strategies will depend on you, but I’d suggest actions that help you regain a sense of control. Phone a friend. Consider a breathing practise. If the situation warrants an apology, (such as a late arrival), rehearse your wording. Memorize phrases or verses that you find helpful to draw upon when stressed. If you foresee the possibility of a difficult situation, equip yourself with a calming tea or snack.
That space between stimulus and response may seem fleeting. However, even if you miss it and go with a full-blown negative response, don’t give up. The situation will change, but each moment is a new opportunity to choose.
What responses do you find helpful when faced with stressful events?
