Habits matter. They can affect how well our bodies work. They can influence whether we spend much of our time feeling joyful or despondent. Our habits can also contribute to how warm and connected we feel to other people.
It can be tempting to think that we don’t have control over our habits; we do them automatically. Yet we know that when we put our minds to it, we can deliberately create our habits. For example, we could develop a habit of getting up at a specific time every day. The process of creating the habit might be aggravating, especially in the beginning, but it’s possible to do it.
Habits that lead to self-improvement are all well and good, but we can also work on habits that improve our relationships. Making a deliberate effort to nurture them could turn out to be worthwhile!
For example, let’s say that we have a friendly relationship with Jenny, but we are not as connected as we would like to be. There’s no conflict, but there is a rather cool distance between us. We’d like to change that. What can we do?
My suggestion is to engage in regular communications. That is, choose to create a habit of communicating.
That may sound like a no-brainer. Of course we need to communicate with our friends! However, without a “communication habit,” making contact can feel awkward. We might be thinking that Jenny is busy, or I’m busy. If I have no real news, I shouldn’t take the time for chit-chat that doesn’t “matter.”
However, the result could be that we delay making contact till we’re not busy (as if that will happen) or until an event occurs. Sadly, too many times, that event is not a joyful one, but a tragedy or loss. This could lead to the unfortunate reaction, “Oh dear, I’m hearing from you again. Now what happened?” That’s not a great basis for growing a close, caring relationship!
Inconsistent communications can also lead to misunderstandings, even loss of friendships. “Why didn’t Sara return my phone call? I guess she just doesn’t care.” Or, “Henry didn’t respond to my email; he must be mad at me.” When there is little communication, our minds can linger on suspicions and negativity. If so, it will be harder to regain trust when we do get back in touch.
If you see this happening in your life, then my suggestion is to develop a communication habit. Choose to make contact on a regular basis. How regular? That’s up to you. You might choose every day, every week, every month, whatever. Likewise, there are many choices for the type of communication. You might prefer face-to-face, phone calls, texts, even letters. That’s up to you and your friend. The key is the regularity.
If you want to give this habit a try, it’s likely to work a little better if you have the cooperation of the other person! I’d suggest asking, “I’d like to have a regular date, phone call or email with you. What do you think?” By asking for agreement, you will have already brought a closer understanding to the relationship.
From a Choice Theory perspective, creating a communication habit can help to satisfy the love and belonging need for both people involved. Even the most independent and introverted among us benefit from having some contact with others.
It’s easy to let communications slide. We know how it is. But regular, habitual communications can bring us closer by making us aware of the triumphs and challenges in each other’s lives. Is it worth a try?
