Reality Check: Does This Call for a Confrontation?

What does a satisfying life look like for you? For many people, an important measure of a satisfying life is that it includes being on good terms with people. Exactly who and how many people will vary from person to person.
Some folks believe that it’s important to be on good terms with everyone they meet, while others are happy with a few close friends or family members. In fact, some of us need only one close person to be satisfied.
Whether it’s a big crowd or a tiny circle, staying on good terms with the people who matter to you can be easier said than done. Conflicts may not be inevitable, but the opportunity for conflicts does arise. No matter how close we are, different people have different opinions, beliefs and priorities. We won’t see eye-to-eye all the time.
Those differences can bring us new insights and different perspectives, even joy! But they can also bring distress. If that’s the case, should we say something? Or should we let it go, hoping the differences will blow over? How do we decide?
Sarita Maybin, in her book entitled, “Say What You Mean In a Nice Way,” offers three useful questions for that decision-making process. She asks, “Is the situation having a negative effect?” “Is the situation beginning to affect your attitude?” and finally, “What are the consequences of NOT confronting?”
Let’s consider the situation of relatives Casey and Cathy. While not close family members, they have maintained a “good-terms” relationship throughout their lives. Now that Casey has retired, she has been seeing a lot more of Cathy, primarily because of Cathy’s need for help. There are packages to pick up, errands to run; appointments to keep.
Initially, Casey was happy to help out. She felt grateful that she had the time and resources to assist Cathy, and she knows that Cathy doesn’t want to be a bother. Cathy tells her that all the time.
However, Casey has begun to perceive the requests have become more like demands. Her genuine wish to be a good person, to help out, is growing dimmer. She doesn’t want to bend the truth by telling Cathy that she’s not available, but she’s not sure she wants a “good-terms” relationship any more.
Let’s answer Maybin’s questions from Casey’s perspective. “Is the situation having a negative effect?” Yes, to a degree. Casey has lost, or perceives that she has lost, the retirement freedom that she anticipated. The possibility of lengthy trips or even extended solitude goes out the window when Cathy says, “I’ll need you…”
How about, “Is the situation beginning to affect your attitude?” This is a key question for Casey. If she is resenting Cathy, trying to avoid her, and making uncomfortable excuses, Casey sees that she is “not herself.” And, she doesn’t like the person she’s becoming. That’s important, isn’t it?
Finally, “What are the consequences of NOT confronting?” This question leads to many more, such as, will the situation get better on its own? Or worse? Will Casey allow her irritation to grow into full-blown resentment? Will this destroy the relationship?
In Choice Theory, Dr. Glasser lists habits that we often use in relationships. He refers to some as caring habits and others as deadly habits. Thus, I’ll add one more question about a potential confrontation: Can Casey find a way to confront Cathy using only caring habits, and avoid the deadly habits?
I think she can, and we’ll take a look at that next time. What do you think?