Last time, I introduced Casey and Cathy’s story. It’s one where Casey has become resentful, perceiving that the more she does for Cathy, the greater are Cathy’s expectations. “Favours” have become demands.
Casey has decided that she needs to address the situation. Why? It’s affecting her attitude. The generous, kind-hearted spirit she once had is now cold and suspicious. One must not give an inch, or a mile will be taken! This is new for Casey, and she doesn’t like it.
Thus, the need for a conversation. It may be a difficult conversation, even a confrontation. Uncomfortable conversations can get ugly. People may say hurtful things; relationships can be destroyed. However, avoidance isn’t the answer.
Can we prevent the potential negatives, still get our point across, and maybe even reach a satisfactory resolution?
Dr. Glasser identifies deadly habits for relationships, including criticizing, blaming, and threatening. Even when we try to avoid them, it’s easy to see how they can creep in. For example, Casey might criticize Cathy for being disorganized or blame her for monopolizing her time. Casey might even threaten to stop helping.
Fortunately, there are also caring habits that build relationships. Among them: listening, respecting, and negotiating differences.
It’s helpful to have a plan before we launch into a difficult conversation. A Reality Therapy-based plan might ask, “What does Casey want to achieve through this conversation?
How about this? Casey wants to maintain the friendship, but with a basis of genuine connection, not as a benefactor-client relationship.
What does Casey not want? She doesn’t want a fight, nor does she want to abandon Cathy in her difficulties.
How to get a positive result? Keep the Glasser caring habits in mind. Caring doesn’t demand that you be a doormat, offer excuses or defend yourself. Caring doesn’t blame yourself or another. To help avoid pitfalls, choose questions rather than statements or ultimatums.
Also choose to take deliberate control of assumptions. Even though Casey sees the problem as obvious, there is the possibility that Cathy genuinely doesn’t realize there’s anything wrong.
What might Casey say? Some possibilities: “This is difficult for me to say. Are you aware that this is causing a strain on our relationship?”
“I don’t believe it’s your intention to cause me distress.”
“I need your help. How do you think we can resolve this?
“What do you think we should do in the future?” Here’s where the “negotiating differences” caring habit plays a role. Casey might offer what she is prepared to do. For example, “I can take you shopping once a week.” She can offer to help find resources, such as transportation options or groups who provide services.
Listen, respectfully, after each question.
Cathy may respond with requests that Casey is not able to accept without resentment. If so, consider responding, “I will have to give that some thought.”
The best outcome will be that Casey maintains her friendship but in a more even-handed way. With agreed-upon limits to Cathy’s expectations, Casey can continue to help Cathy, now with joy rather than resentment.
However, the best case may not come to fruition. Casey may learn that her relationship is not one of mutual affection as she had believed, but that Cathy sees her as a convenient provider of services. That’s not gratifying, but it may be better for Casey to recognize the reality.
Casey may still choose to help Cathy, now based on her values of charitable work rather than the obligations of friendship. If so, that change in perception could help reduce her resentment. We don’t tend to resent giving gifts freely. Gifts that are coerced, however, are a little different.
Difficult conversations can be difficult, indeed. But they can also be worthwhile. They can clear things up and even draw people closer. For something so valuable, it’s worth putting in some preparation.
How have you prepared for a difficult conversation?
