The ability to remember is a mixed blessing, isn’t it? For example, we can look back and relive happy times with the people we love. Those pleasant memories can serve to remind us of the love and belonging that we have in our lives, even if we are not feeling it right at the moment.
Looking back can also help to satisfy our other basic needs. Power, freedom, fun; they get a boost when we think about our successes, when we recall precious experiences of freedom or warm our hearts with memories of days filled with fun.
Remembering those satisfying times means that we can continue to get joy for days, months or even years from events that may have lasted only a short time. Even if the memories are bittersweet because those days can never come again, we can still be soothed or joyful, knowing that we have had such experiences in our lives.
This can be referred to as reminiscing, and these are good examples for why we might spend some time doing it.
However, looking back isn’t always joy-filled, is it? Instead of reliving heart-warming moments, we may find ourselves dredging up old hurts, embarrassing moments, or mistakes that can never be fixed.
Grinding away at the wrongs over and over and over; we can keep these events spinning in our minds. Like a cow chewing its cud, this activity is sometimes referred to as ruminating.
Choice Theory is very much focused on the present. Even if we occupy our minds with past or future, we live in the present and we can only act in the present.
Both reminiscing and ruminating involve looking back, but their impact on our present day is different. For example, how do you feel after you’ve spent some time reminiscing? I’m thinking that you might feel loved, content, accomplished, involved with people you care about and able to take on challenges that arise.
Now, what’s the effect of spending time ruminating? It’s probably a little different. We may come away angry, resenting, fearful. It could have the additional sense of helplessness; there’s nothing we can do about that past now. Except think about it. Again.
Is looking back helpful for you? Or does it detract from your present-day life? And if you find that you are doing more ruminating then reminiscing, do you want to change that?
Changing a behaviour, especially one that’s become a habit, is not easy. Unless we have a substitute activity to put in place, just trying to stop troubling thoughts may not work so well.
A passage in “Reality Therapy,” by Dr. Robert Wubbolding gives us something to think about: “If you could set aside the distracting thoughts and repetitious actions, what would you do differently this afternoon or this evening? What pleasant thoughts would go through your mind if you were to abandon your painful thinking?”
If you are prone to looking back and ruminating, and you find that you end up being dissatisfied or vulnerable, then here’s a suggestion you might try.
Seek out a few items from your past that remind you of good positive events. Maybe you have photographs, letters, souvenirs, whatever brings you a reminder of strength, joy, love. If you don’t have any physical items, make them. Write your own remembrance, draw your own pictures, find photographs even if they are not your own. Just choose items that evoke strong, positive, helpful memories.
When you are tempted to ruminate, pull those out. Look them over. Remember the positive. Replace the ruminating with reminiscing.
Is that worth a try?
