I should wash the dog. And I should prepare that report; check on Harry, run those errands and go through the stack of mail on my desk. There are lots of activities that I really should do.
Do you have a collection of “shoulds?” Perhaps the “shoulds” in your life are demands from others: family, friends, workplace, community, even society as a whole. Or maybe they come primarily from inside your own head.
Either way, when we perceive that our life is full of “shoulds,” it’s understandable that we can feel trapped. Can we ever get free?
When a theory is named “Choice Theory,” you might gather than it’s offering the idea that we do have some choice. In fact, the subtitle of the book “Choice Theory” is, “A New Psychology of Personal Freedom.” The possibility of freedom is appealing. According to Dr. Wm. Glasser, freedom is one of the basic human needs. While some people have a higher need for freedom than others, we all need some of it.
But Choice Theory isn’t going to wash the dog or write that report for me, is it? So how can a theory help us be more free?
Among the Choice Theory concepts is the idea that our level of satisfaction is related to a balance. Now, often when people refer to balance, they are talking about work/life balance. This balance is different. Picture an old-fashioned balance scale. On one side is what we want and on the other side is what we have. Are they more or less equal? Or are they out of whack?
If you have a high need for freedom (that’s what you want) but you have a lot of “shoulds” and demands on you (that’s what you have) then your scale isn’t going be very well balanced, is it?
What can you do? Essentially, you have two choices. You could choose to change what you have or you could choose to change what you want. No guarantees that either change will be easy, but at least you have something to consider.
First, can you change what you have? That is, can you decrease the “shoulds” in your life? I suspect that few of us are completely immune from having any demands on us. But some of us accept demands, or even self-impose them, when they may not be necessary or truly appreciated.
For example, at home: “I should make that cheesecake from scratch because I have always done it that way.” At work: “I should stay late because I think that’s what my boss expects.”
Does the reality of those “shoulds” line up with your perceptions? Careful questioning, of yourself and others, can help you find out.
Then there’s the other side of the balance; the “what we want” side. Do you genuinely want to be free of all demands? Do you want a specific amount of “free” time? Do you just want to have a feeling that things are in control, even if the “shoulds” still exist? It can help to be clear, at least within ourselves, about what we really want.
We may not be able to get all that we want, but we can work to make progress in that direction. When we do, it can help with our perception that things are under control.
One suggestion would be to build a habit of setting aside a specific, regular time to work on those things we have to do but don’t want to. We could call it, “My Should Time.” Hmmm… that makes it more fun right away, doesn’t it?
Do you have many “shoulds” in your life? How do you handle them?
