I have an important question for you and it’s only four words long: “What do you want?”
Perhaps you can easily produce a detailed list of exactly what things you want, what people you want in your life, what values you want to live by, what circumstances you want to be in, and what events you want to see occur.
Or maybe your answer is short and sweet. Perhaps you have only one essential want; anything else is gravy. That is, nice to have but not essential.
It’s also possible that you have no answer at all. There are valid reasons why we don’t choose to focus attention on these fundamental questions about life. Maybe you believe that you don’t have the luxury of time to spend thinking about such things. Or you could be afraid that if you look too closely at what you want, you’ll end up feeling discouraged and hopeless. That’s not going to help, is it?
However, examining our wants can be a hope-inspiring activity rather than a discouraging one.
When we are clear about what we want and what is truly important to us, we might just open ourselves up to seeing our lives in a different way.
For example, we might come to realize that we already have much of what really matters to us. It’s so easy to forget or ignore what we do have, instead focusing our attention on what we don’t have. Looking can bring things back into perspective.
Another benefit is that we may learn that what we want, or at least some of what we want, is attainable. It’ll probably require work, cooperation, patience, resilience, persistence, etc. But when we realize that there is a path to getting what we want, then doing the work may not be so daunting. Simply starting on the path is an opportunity for hope.
Wants are significant in Choice Theory. Defining what we truly want is a fundamental starting point; it sets the stage for what we do next. However, defining our wants can be challenging.
In Dr. Bob Wubbolding’s book, “A Set of Directions for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together,” he suggests that it’s helpful to categorize our wants. He suggests categories such as social, financial, physical, spiritual, and so on.
I’m going to use a slightly different approach than Dr. Bob here by suggesting that the essential needs as defined in Choice Theory can offer a practical framework for organizing our wants. How?
Choice Theory offers the idea that all humans have five basic needs. People vary in how strong or important each need is for them, and we certainly vary in terms of how we approach satisfying each need. However, despite how different we humans are, we do have commonalities. And one of those commonalities is these five needs.
Here are the five, in no particular order. We have a need for security/survival. Another need is that for love and belonging. We also have a need for power, although I prefer to use the terms recognition or esteem. We have a need for freedom, and finally, we have a need for fun.
In the next few columns, we’ll look at these needs as a way of organizing our thoughts and developing clarity about what we want.
By the way, some people prefer to refer to goals rather than wants, perhaps because the word “goals” is perceived as more professional and less self-centered than “wants.” It doesn’t matter. Whether you’d rather set goals or define wants, the fundamental question is, “What do you want to see in your life?”
