“How do you want your life to be?” In these columns, I’ve chosen to use the structure of basic needs as outlined in Choice Theory to help us answer that question. We’ll start by taking a look at our basic need for freedom.
When you think about all the things that you need to feel satisfied, freedom may not spring to mind. Maybe you see freedom as nice to have, but hardly an essential need. Yet Dr. Glasser includes it and if we want to understand how to have satisfied lives, then freedom is worth a serious look.
Different people can have very different levels of the need for freedom, and those different levels of need can cause conflict and misunderstandings, even among people who know each other well.
The enemy of freedom, according to Glasser, is external control. That’s when we attempt to force other people to do what we want them to do.
As Glasser puts it “…freedom concerns us mainly when we perceive that it is threatened.” We don’t miss it till it’s gone. But then we really miss it, don’t we? We saw that vividly during Covid when the freedom we had taken for granted disappeared and we were restricted in many ways. Dissatisfaction resulted. For people with a high need for freedom, this wasn’t just inconvenient, it caused significant distress.
Unsurprisingly, our differing levels of the need for freedom can be a source of conflict in many areas of our lives. For example, consider Joe and Jill’s relationship, partners with very different freedom needs. Joe wants to spend all available time with Jill and perceives any attempt by Jill to be alone as rejection. But Jill’s need for freedom is only satisfied by significant alone time.
Will this create conflict? Likely so, unless they can discuss their difference and come to a satisfactory solution. Is a solution possible? Yes, if both have good will toward each other and are prepared to accommodate each other’s needs.
Home isn’t the only area where freedom comes into play. Some people have satisfying levels of freedom at work, with the perception that they are trusted to handle things, that they have the level of authority they want, and have control over their working environment. Other people might be in exactly the same situation, but perceive it as either too restrictive or frighteningly free. Different people can perceive the same situation differently.
There are many other opportunities for our freedom to be invaded. In our current climate, many people believe that they must be accessible all the time. Thus, phones are always on, messenger apps open, and so on. As soon as a ‘ping’ sounds, we feel compelled to check and respond. Living this way, there’s no down time, not even during a meal or overnight.
Freedom might mean the freedom to travel, or the freedom to not need to travel. Perhaps freedom for you means having time to spend with people you love, cuddling with a cat and a good book, or simply sitting in nature to watch the grass grow.
If you often feel dissatisfied or resentful, you might want to take a look at your freedom. If you have established habits that mean you have very little “free” time, consider giving yourself the freedom to rest. Can you carve out any time and space that is yours alone?
I’ll leave you with this thought by Dr. Glasser. “The more we are free and able to satisfy our needs in a way that does not stop another person from satisfying his or hers…the more we are able to use our creativity not only for our own benefit but for the benefit of everyone.”
What does freedom mean to you?
