Reality Check: The Thank You Response

Whether or not we deserve it, we are sometimes on the receiving end of criticisms, even putdowns. Some people refer to these types of comments as “feedback,” and we know that thoughtful feedback can give us useful information. However, when we perceive that we’re being stung by a put down or harshly critiqued, how we respond can determine whether we end up with a helpful conversation or a permanently damaged relationship.
Last time, I suggested one way that we might respond to criticism and putdowns, “say nothing.” This response can be surprisingly effective, as it puts a complete damper on the conversation. The critic doesn’t get to see the result of the pain they may wish to inflict, and that alone may reduce their motivation to continue criticising.
What are some other responses?
First, think about what you want in the situation. For example, you may not want to add fuel to the fire, but neither do you want to walk away feeling defeated. Saying nothing won’t always be an effective response to achieve what you want, so it’s handy to have other options to call on.
Here’s another suggestion from Dr. Bob Wubbolding in “A Set of Directions for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together.” Dr. Bob suggests, “That’s your opinion. I see it differently.”
That response may fit the bill for you. However, I’ll also offer a slightly modified version: “Thank you. I see it differently.” You could make this an even shorter interaction by simply saying, “Thank you.”
Saying thank you conveys respect. It can also be disarming. If we choose to perceive your critic in the best possible light, then presumably they are offering criticism in an effort to help you. They may have chosen an extremely ineffective way to go about it, but still, it could be an effort to help you. Saying thank you acknowledges that.
But what if you are sure that your critic is just trying to get under your skin?
Two points to consider. First, we can’t read minds. While we might presume that someone is simply trying to needle us, we don’t know that for sure. Maybe they are just a poor communicator who is genuinely trying to be helpful.
Secondly, does it do any harm to respond as if the criticism has been offered with good will rather than ill intent?
Thank you doesn’t express anger or resentment or make the relationship worse. It simply acknowledges that someone has made a comment and that you have heard it.
If a simple thank you seems too abrupt for you, then add to it in whatever way would be authentic for you. For example, “Thank you, I understand what you are saying.” “Thank you for caring about what I do.” “Thank you for taking the time to think about my life, ” etc.
None of these responses suggest that you are going to do what the person suggests. But they also don’t accept the premise that your critic is trying to hurt your feelings. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. Maybe they don’t understand the situation and the constraints that you have to deal with. And maybe, just maybe, they are simply clumsy communicators who have not learned to give feedback in a more effective way.
Thank you is a remarkably useful phrase. Thank you doesn’t say, “I agree with you,” or “I’ll do what you say,” or anything of that ilk. Thank you simply says, “I’ve heard you and I appreciate your effort.”
What do you think of thank you?