Reality Check: When No Response Is a Good Response

Have you ever been subjected to the sting of putdowns or criticisms? If so, you may have been briefly annoyed. However, in some circumstances, the hurt could persist for a long, long time.
There are people who seem to enjoy delivering putdowns; who pride themselves on their cleverness in finding creative ways to hurt others. They may not see it as cruel; instead, they may perceive themselves as a kind of radical truth-teller, expressing honestly what others are too cowardly to say. That’s one explanation.
As I’m not a mind-reader, I can’t say whether someone’s underlying motive is cruelty, honesty, or fun. However, I can offer a few points from the perspective of Choice Theory.
It suggests that we all have the same basic needs; included among them are needs for power, freedom and fun.
For some people, the ability to create discomfort for someone else might be a way of satisfying their need for power. Delivering a stinging jab may also satisfy their need for freedom, as they perceive themselves to be free from having to adhere to the norms of basic courtesy.
And let’s not forget the possibility of fun. If you are so inclined, watching the embarrassment that can result when one lands a zinger on someone vulnerable can be a source of great amusement.
We may as well set aside for now the question of the morality, or rather, the lack of morality, in this behaviour. To some of us, it is clearly wrong. Regardless, people do it. And whether we explain it through basic needs as I’ve suggested, or through some other mechanism, it’s still a destructive behaviour.
Understanding why someone behaves like this doesn’t actually change the situation though. What can we control? You know as well as I do; we can’t control what other people say but we can control how we respond.
This brings us to the crux of the matter. If someone puts you down, deliberately attempts to hurt you, what are your choices? How would you respond?
I could suggest considering some thoughtful questions such as, “How do I want this relationship to be?” or “Is there information in this criticism that I can use constructively?”
However, in the heat of the moment, you don’ need a list of complicated questions. Instead, knowing a few simple responses to call on without having to think too hard sounds more effective.
Dr. Bob Wubbolding in “A Set of Direction for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together” offers some suggestions. His first one is easy to say but not always so easy to do. He says, “Say nothing; ignore them.”
For anyone who believes that they must respond to any and every bit of advice, comment, or criticism, this seems unnatural! However, saying nothing is, indeed, a valid response. Even when egged on, we don’t have to say anything, do we?
Depending on the situation, you may even find that your “say nothing” response brings you satisfaction, maybe even amusement. If the criticizer is relying on your reaction to fulfill their need for fun, but you don’t respond, well, where’s the fun for them in that?
If you do choose to go with no response, I would suggest that you pay attention to your body language. Any hint of a smirk on your face will only lessen your own dignity. And we would never even think of accompanying this non-response with an impolite gesture, would we?
While the “say nothing” approach has a lot going for it, it’s not a one-size-fits-all-situation response. Next time, I’ll take a look at a few other possible responses to these uncomfortable, sometimes painful interactions.