Reality Check: The Deliberate and the Impulsive

Impulsive action or deliberate action? If you’re looking for a standard to guide your life, which do you think will lead to more effective results?
Impulsive actions can be appealing. The very word “spontaneous” sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Unexpected surprises, laughter, delights of all kinds can accompany impulsive actions. We don’t know what will happen, but it could be awesome!
Then there’s deliberate action. We think things through, examine options, weigh pros and cons. Then we make a conscious choice. Doesn’t sound as much fun, does it?
It also doesn’t give us much wiggle room if it doesn’t work out. After all, we did it deliberately. We’re responsible. Sigh.
If we decide to apply some fundamentals of Choice Theory to our lives, then we would lean toward deliberate actions. That is, although we might consider our feelings when we make a choice, we would definitely include some thinking.
We might begin our general decision-making progress by examining what we want; let’s call it a goal. Then, think about what we’re doing toward achieving that goal. How’s that working? Good? Carry on with more of the same. Poorly? Perhaps a change is in order. Can’t say for sure? Gather more information, or continue till the situation becomes clearer.
That’s a pretty deliberate process, wouldn’t you say?
Deliberate actions can seem disconnected from feelings. We don’t hear romantic ballads about how I’m deliberately thinking of falling in love with you. More seriously, we may have feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, and believe that we have no choice in the matter. Does that “no choice” perception have consequences for our relationships, particularly close relationships?
Here’s a question: Have you ever set out to deliberately hurt someone? Whether physically or emotionally, have you ever deliberately decided to cause hurt?
Now, I don’t want any confessions. Please don’t send me stories of any terrible hurts you may have caused. Nope, this question is only for you to consider for yourself.
People can be cruel to each other. And while we can be hurtful to strangers, it’s possible to be even more cruel to the people closest to us. We know them best. We know what would really hurt them, don’t we? And when things aren’t going our way, it can be tempting to lash out with a word or deed that we know will really sting when it lands.
But if we want good relationships, that’s about the worst possible thing we could do, isn’t it?
Dr. Joel Wade writes that there will always be conflicts in relationships. Many will never be fully resolved. The key to maintaining a close, loving relationship is how we treat each other during those conflicts.
He suggests making a simple vow: “Never do anything to deliberately hurt one another.”
By now you may be thinking, “But that would mean I can’t be honest with my loved one!” Really? Does honesty require that you hurt each other? You may have painful things to say, but “deliberately hurt” is different.
It’s easy enough to make an impulsive mistake, to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If so, there are remedies, even if they are unpleasant or embarrassing. We can apologize, explain, and perhaps agree to a time-out when we get overwrought so we don’t do it again.
The situation is different when we do something to deliberately hurt each other.
The good news is that if we can deliberately choose to be hurtful, then we can also deliberately choose not to be hurtful. That requires thought and self-restraint, but we can do it. And it’s worth it.
If you’d like to read Dr. Wade’s article (it’s a good one) just let me know