Reality Check: The Present and the Presents

Presents are top of mind for many at this time of year. How I look at gift-giving and gift-receiving has changed over the years, and I suspect that it may have also changed for you. As we move along in our lives, it’s no surprise that our priorities, needs, and wants change.
Yet some things remain constant throughout our lives, and Choice Theory suggests that one of those constants is a set of basic needs. We have them when we start our lives and we keep them till the end. What may change, however, are the ways that we find to satisfy those needs as our lives change.
One of those needs is referred to as the need for love & belonging. We need to “fit” somewhere; to know that someone cares about us. Dr. Glasser expressed this belief in “Choice Theory,” where he wrote, “We all need a satisfying present relationship with someone we can trust.”
For some people, satisfying relationships involve many people, lots of interaction, gatherings and activities. For others, a single satisfying relationship is all they need, whether a spouse, a friend, or through family, work or faith. Different people have different levels of this need, and what provides genuine satisfaction for one person may sound unsatisfying to another.
Notice that Glasser specifies a “present” relationship; that is, a relationship that exists now.
Some approaches to helping people with dissatisfaction focus on examining their past. We can understand the appeal; if we can find the magic solution to our unhappiness hidden in our past; that could explain everything!
Glasser differs from that way of thinking; Choice Theory is focused on the present. If you’ve had a miserable past, you might find it painful (but helpful) to consider his comment: “The more you stay in the past, the more you avoid facing the present unhappy relationships that are always the problem.”
We can’t change our past. But we can do something about unsatisfying relationships that we have right now. Granted, it’s not easy or comfortable to do something differently. Further, there’s no guarantee that when we make a change, we’ll get the result we want.
However, it is only in the present that we can act, isn’t it? Maybe we regret some of our past actions, and now realize that we could have made more effective choices back then. But it’s the present that we are in, and it’s only in the present that we can act.
It would be distressing to examine our life and find that we do not see even one trustworthy person who cares about us. It may be even more distressing if we have people in our lives that we believe “should” care about us but who seemingly do not.
This is going to be a tough suggestion, but here it is: If you feel unloved and uncared for, respond by being as loving and caring as you can.
Now I’m also going to add a caution: “Choose wisely.” If you are being abused or manipulated, that’s not the place to direct your loving energy. But that doesn’t describe everyone. Take some time, look around carefully, and begin consciously directing your efforts toward being loving toward people whom you perceive could grow into genuine, trustworthy friends.
A trustworthy relationship is a wonderful present to give or to receive at any time of year. What are your suggestions for building these types of relationships?