When events in our lives go awry, we may develop the perception that life is just one bad thing after another. It’s overwhelming.
Some time ago, I asked, “What do you do when events throw you off course?” The suggestions that I received reminded me to discuss basic needs. Are we making efforts to satisfy them, despite the chaos?
Dr. Glasser asserts that we have a set of needs: survival/security, love/belonging, power/recognition, freedom, and fun. Paying attention to them is one good step toward gaining control of our lives.
For me, just having a list is a positive thing. It may sound trivial, but a list can help us move away from, “Everything is falling apart!” to “There are five things I have to attend to.” I might not know how to deal with them, I may still have many uncertainties, but at least I know there are five things. It’s a step toward taking control, toward putting a boundary around the problem.
With those needs in mind, here’s an approach for responding when thrown off course.
First, look at survival/security. Am I keeping a regular schedule? Getting enough rest? Am I keeping to a diet that gives me adequate nutrition, with a reasonable variety of healthy food? Is this within a budget that’s comfortable for me?
Love/belonging: Am I caring for my important friend/family relationships? Am I sharing my concerns (to an appropriate degree)?
I’ve observed that people who take on the role of helper in a group are sometimes reluctant to share when they are having an upset of their own. The people closest to you may not even realize that you are struggling. If you recognize yourself in that description, then you might not only ask, “Am I being supportive of my friends and family?” but also, “Am I accepting support? Do friends know that I need their support, even a listening ear?”
Power/recognition: Have I reminded myself that I have overcome difficulties in the past, possibly greater difficulties than the current ones? Am I keeping up with goals and activities in other areas (not just in the current problem area) so that I don’t become overwhelmed by additional issues?
Freedom: What positive action can I take for an hour that would satisfy my need for freedom from this problem? (Positive action means it doesn’t contribute to harm, such as excessive drinking, drugs, reckless behaviour.) I will deal with the issue again in an hour, but I will give myself one hour of freedom.
Fun: Smile. Even laugh. Even if you don’t feel like it. Look for the absurd, the cute, the joy. I believe it’s more effective if you don’t get your fun at the expense of other people (such as by making fun of them). Instead, seek out the beautiful, the comic, the uplifting. Consider even tiny things that are fun for you; find a way to get at least a little bit of that into your life every day. When stressed, we often forget fun. But it’s a need, not a frill.
Finally, while Dr. Glasser makes no faith-related statements (to my knowledge), I’ve been reminded both through reader comments and books that faith can be an essential component toward putting us back on course. In one of my favourite Choice Theory books, “A Set of Direction for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together” by Dr. Bob Wubbolding, he says, “…believing is a behaviour that can penetrate our plans and give hope for the future.”
