The term ‘alliance’ is often used to refer to relationships among countries. However, it can also be a useful descriptor for relationships among people, and could even open up a new perspective for some.
Dr. Glasser and others put a lot of focus on relationships. Glasser suggests that love and belonging is one of our most basic needs. He even goes so far as to suggest that dissatisfaction with a present relationship is what brings people to counselling. Relationships matter.
However, for some people, emotional terms are problematic. If you see yourself as a thought-driven person rather than guided by feelings or ‘heart,’ then even the term ‘relationship’ can be a barrier. The words we use matter.
Take love, for example. There are some who would ask, quite sincerely, “What does love even mean?” You may know someone like that!
If you believe that love is the essential ingredient in human relationships, then it’s difficult to have a conversation with someone who professes no understanding of the word ‘love.’
What happens? One person is accused of being cold and heartless; the other of being overly emotional. Not a great way to start a relationship. Or even a conversation, for that matter.
Thus, when I recently heard the term ‘alliance’ used in reference to marriage, it occurred to me that it could help bridge the gap between these different perspectives.
After all, what is an alliance? Two or more entities who share a common interest and make a decision to support each other in some way. They make an agreement about how to align. They will have each other’s backs and work out disagreements as partners, maybe even as friends. An alliance offers a benefit for all parties.
There are often public statements. For example in marriage, spouses declare that they are now aligned. Countries sign agreements and make public statements. Making it public does add an extra dash of seriousness to the whole declaration.
There are other alliances too. Some of us are fortunate to have decades-long friendships. They may never be declared alliances, yet within such friendships is the implicit knowledge of “No matter what happens, I’ve got your back.” Families may nurture that as well. The mottos “family first” and “blood is thicker than water” can be perceived essentially as statements of alliance.
Tightly knit communities may have an alliance quality to them, where neighbours and friends look out for each other.
Note that the allies don’t have to agree on everything. They just need to agree on the area where they are aligning. And while an alliance does address some of our needs, there is no expectation that one alliance will satisfy all of our needs.
I’ll offer two suggestions for you to consider regarding alliances.
First, if you find it difficult to discuss emotions or relationships, consider thinking of relationships as alliances. You may find that a more natural fit for you.
Second, if you feel unsatisfied and can’t quite put your finger on what’s missing, take a look at your alliances. Do the people with whom you are aligned share your values? Are your alliances mutually beneficial; that is, do they offer a benefit for each party? Are you expecting too much from any one alliance? Is that causing distress or tension within the alliance?
Perhaps you’ll find that you are lacking trustworthy alliances. If so, then consider activities that would bring you into contact with people who are likely to share your values.
What do you find when you examine your alliances?
