When we cross a busy street, we look both ways to make sure the coast is clear. It’s often prudent to take a second look before we set out, as we might overlook a potential threat the first time. If you take this too far, however, by checking and rechecking to make sure all is clear, we may literally never get anywhere.
Still, there are aspects of life that warrant a second look as time goes on. Dr. Bob Wubbolding often used a system to implement Reality Therapy called WDEP. The first element, “W,” involves examining Wants. What do you want?
Just a reminder: wants are not necessarily selfish. We can have noble, even self-sacrificial wants. Regardless, it’s helpful to start by knowing what we want.
What are the consequences of not recognizing or acknowledging what we want? Well, for one thing, we probably won’t get what we want, will we? If we do, it’ll be accidental. If we’re heading out on a trip with no destination in mind, we will end up somewhere (perhaps going round in circles) but it may be a less than desirable destination. Of course, if you want spontaneity and adventure, that’s fine. At least you know that what you want is an undefined destination.
As we travel through our lives, going through different stages, it’s understandable that our wants will change. Age and different circumstances bring changes. The people we knew and loved may not be here to know and love anymore. The activities that we once enjoyed may be painful or impossible to continue. The hopes and expectations that we once had may now be out of reach.
That sounds sad, doesn’t it? Yet it’s not necessarily so. This is where looking at what we want is worth a serious second look, to see if those wants are still valid. Do our old wants still make sense for our lives today? Do we even want those things anymore, or are we hanging on to them out of habit? Most importantly, if we do want something very deeply that seems out of reach, is there another way to satisfy it? This can call for creativity, but using our creativity can be fun, if we want it to be.
As a simple example, Anna had to move out of her beloved home into an apartment. It’s a common occurrence as life goes on, isn’t it? The wants that Anna cherished for so long, her beautiful flower garden, serving lunches to her friends, being lulled to sleep by the sound of the ocean; it looks like those will now have to go unsatisfied.
Change can be hard, especially if you believe that it’s been forced on you, whether through age, disability or other constraint.
Is there any possibility that Anna can live happily in her new situation, even though her old wants would seem impossible to satisfy?
Let’s consider what basic needs Anna was satisfying through those activities that she believes she is losing.
The beautiful flowers were need-satisfying in many ways. Anna was acknowledged for her green thumb (recognition), seeing her flowers thrive brought her a sense of fun, and being outside satisfied her need for freedom.
Lunches for friends satisfied her need for love and belonging, plus lots of fun.
Finally, the ocean sound satisfied her need for security/survival, giving her the feeling that she was safe in her home; in the place where she belonged.
The question becomes: Can Anna satisfy those needs in her new situation? Can you think of any possibilities for her?
