Reality Check: The Big Value of Small Talk

Choice Theory suggests that people need good relationships to have a satisfying life. For one person, a good relationship might mean constant contact, where you share not only hopes and dreams but also the struggles and joys of everyday life. But for another, occasional contact with someone you like and trust is enough.
Regardless of the specifics, having even one good relationship can make a positive difference in our quality of life.
In some close relationships, we feel free to discuss the topics that we would never discuss with anyone else. The big issues: life, death, illness, money, hopes, fears, successes and failures; those are all fair game for conversation.
Discussions of things that matter can help, can’t they? We can gain perspective, share understandings, and if nothing else, get the topic out of our heads and into the open.
But it’s unlikely (and unwise) to unburden ourselves to someone we don’t trust. So, how do we form trustworthy relationships? How do we keep them going?
It’s a rare relationship that immediately begins with a sense of trust and closeness. Not that it doesn’t happen; I imagine that it does. Sometimes people meet and have an instant connection. But it’s more likely that before we begin discussing the heavy stuff, we need to get to know someone over time. We learn by seeing what they believe and how they act.
Some of that “getting to know you” phase can develop through small talk. How do we learn to make small talk? Do we learn it in school? At home? At work? I suspect that many of us have learned, and are still learning, through trial and error (which I prefer to call “experimentation.”)
For some, the skill of small talk seems to come naturally. But that’s not the case for everyone. Perhaps you’re an introvert by nature. Maybe your social group doesn’t demonstrate effective examples of how people can talk and get along well. Maybe you believe you’ve been laughed at or looked stupid in some previous attempts. If that’s you, then you might perceive the idea of making small talk as not only unnecessary but a form of torture. What can you do?
My suggestion, treat it like a skill that you can learn. We can learn many things if we make up our minds to do so! You don’t need to become a social wizard, but you can at least aim to function.
What can you do in a situation where you think, “Maybe I could talk to that person but I don’t know what to say”?
First, put down your phone. Look the other person in the eye. Smile. Say “Hi.”
You’ll learn something. If you are ignored, you’ve learned that this isn’t a person who wants to talk to you. No need to be discouraged. There are other people.
However, you might learn that they are happy to talk to you. Maybe you’ll discuss trivialities like the weather or the crowded streets. Maybe you’ll learn that you have shared interests, places you’ve visited, people you know.
This isn’t just about making us feel better. When you start a conversation with someone who is feeling isolated and lonely, even the smallest of small talk can make a positive difference. We often have no idea how our actions affect others.
Does small talk matter to you? Do you engage in it?