Reality Check: Nourishing Recognition

Distressing stories abound of people who lack the food they need to nourish their physical bodies. Well-meaning people may ask, “What can I do?
Food deficiency is one example of scarcity. But there’s another area of scarcity where any of us could make a positive impact. It concerns people who are “starved” of recognition.
Basic human needs as described by Choice Theory include one referred to as “power.” The scope of this need is broad, but essentially, we need to know that we are recognized; that we matter.
For some people, it’s enough to be valued by one person. For another, satisfaction comes from knowing that one is recognized at work, respected in the community, effective as a parent, competent, creative, and so on. What counts as recognition varies from person to person, but we all need some of it.
Now, look around. We can recognize when someone is starving for food. Might there be people you know who are starved for recognition? Can we tell if that’s the case?
Maybe not. We might not even realize it when this need is not satisfied in ourselves. We may just have a vague dissatisfaction.
But there’s good news in this story too. Any of us can contribute to nourishing recognition. It doesn’t cost us, except for some time, effort, thought, and perhaps courage. And the effects could be significant, both for you and for the person you recognize.
Do you want to try it? If so, here are a few suggestions.
Find something that you legitimately recognize or admire. Be honest; don’t fake it. We can sense falseness, and pretending only adds to cynicism. There’s no need to go over the top with elaborate praise; just be truthful.
Keep it positive. Some ways of saying things are better than others. A favourite example comes from Dr. Bob Wubbolding in “Understanding Reality Therapy” where he discusses changing the way we see the world. We could either say, “You look like the end of a long, hard winter,” or “You look like the first breath of spring.” Similar, yet different!
Focus on actions that the person can control rather than an attribute that they can’t control. There’s a difference between the recognition: “You’re so smart” compared to: “You’re becoming very capable.” We have some control over whether we’ve become capable; we may not have control over our smartness or lack thereof.
An added benefit of this exercise is that it gives you an opportunity to build your own creativity as you look for ways to recognize others. Keep your eyes open, looking not only for large accomplishments, but also for behaviours that we often take for granted. Recognise someone for always showing up on time, or who is consistently kind, thoughtful, capable or energetic.
One caution: it won’t be helpful to try this experiment with the mindset of expecting recognition in return. While it’s possible that someone may respond in kind, believing yourself entitled to recognition in return won’t be helpful. We can’t control how someone responds.
Besides, people tend to be wary of change, even positive change. Your simple act of offering recognition may be confusing for them. They may not know what to say! Don’t worry. Carry on in good spirits.
If you chose to make it a daily habit to offer recognition to someone to your life, do you think it would make a difference in your life? In the lives of others?