Reality Check: Real Relationships

Scams are everywhere and they often involve relationships. Why? People will sacrifice to help out friends or family. Some scammers exploit that loving, generous human quality by pretending to be someone they are not.
There are so many ways to pretend. A voice can be mimicked; apparently now artificial intelligence can create even better fakes than before. Photos, videos, voices; all can be manipulated.
This brings me to the story of Grandma who got a phone call, apparently from grandson Oliver.
You probably know the gist of the story already: Oliver’s in trouble; he can’t reach anybody else, could she send money? It sure sounded like Oliver. But Grandma is a skeptical sort. How could she know for sure that this is really Oliver?
Grandma asked, “Oh Oliver, what was the name of that puppy you had when you were little? I keep forgetting.” Oliver would know. We never forget our first puppy, do we?
What happened? The caller hung up. Grandma’s question about their shared puppy experience made clear that there was no real relationship with the person who called.
It’s not always so easy to tell though, is it? Think about the variety of relationships that we have. Are some of them what you would call “real relationships” whereas others are not so much?
Back in 2000, Dr. Glasser and his wife Carleen wrote a small book that asks a question. The book’s title: “What is this thing called Love?”
How would you answer that question? Write it down. It’ll be interesting to see how your definition compares with that of the Glassers.
The book was written specifically for single women who find themselves confused by a culture that sends out mixed messages on love. The subtitle is, “The essential book for the Single Woman” and it specifically looks at love in the context of marriage.
But it’s worth thinking about other types of relationships, too. Being able to distinguish between fantasy and reality is helpful for us. So, what characterizes a real relationship? Where do I have real relationships versus shaky or even false relationships?
Is a real relationship one where you always agree? Where you have shared experiences? Where you share values? Where you share fun, joy, and sorrow? Where you can be honest? Accepted? Loved? And if it involves love, what does that mean?
Here’s how the Glassers answer the question of, “What is this thing called love?” It essentially came down to, “…love is commitment.” To take it further, “It’s action. It goes beyond the mysterious feeling that so many people think is love. Commitment is doing things that get you close and keep you close every day you’re together.”
Do you see love and commitment as the same thing? If we move out of the realm of marriage, does that definition still work? Here’s another quote for you, “Good friends are committed to each other which means they love each other.”
Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that we discard relationships that are less than ideal. We can’t expect (and probably don’t want) all of our relationships to be deep connections. However, we do need some real relationships, and the suggestion is that a real relationship requires commitment (on both sides.)
The caring habits that are promoted in Choice Theory are habits that build relationships. Caring, listening, supporting…those habits are consistent with a committed relationship.
From your perspective, what is this thing called love? What do you think of commitment as a definition for love?