Reality Check: The Fear of Embarrassment

Many of us have an outstanding ability to find things to fear. Make no mistake, real threats exist, and the related fears can be useful. They tell us to pay attention; look out! However, there are also fears that don’t offer benefits.
One such fear that I believe deserves honourable mention is “fear of embarrassment.” That’s when we fear something that wouldn’t cause a real physical, financial, or other high-impact negative consequence. It would just be embarrassing.
Fear of embarrassment can restrain us from doing something dishonourable, lest we be found out. That’s not a bad thing. But it can also be inhibiting, stealing our joy, holding us back from what could be fulfilling experiences.
Have you ever said, “I can’t try that; I’d look foolish”? Or “I can’t ask for help; they might laugh.”
The need for power/recognition that’s identified in Choice Theory often pops up when we wonder why people act in ways that seem illogical. Being embarrassed is an uncomfortable blow to our need for power. How can we feel in control if we’re laughed at?
Dr. Glasser says that we’re sometimes reluctant to share our wants, even with people close to us, because they might ridicule or criticize us. Thus, we might not share.
An example given by Glasser is of a man who is afraid to tell his wife that he wants to write a novel. She might make fun of him, so he says nothing. Then he becomes resentful because he can’t share this important goal with her.
Will the relationship suffer? Possibly. Is that understandable? Probably. He feels hurt because he can’t make progress on his dream. He gets sullen and withdrawn because he has no support from the person most important to him. He might even start criticizing what she wants because he can’t have what he wants!
The thing is, as Glasser points out, “she hasn’t actually said anything. It’s all in his head.” He doesn’t know that she won’t be supportive; he never offered her the opportunity.
If embarrassment is getting in the way of your enjoyment of life, here’s a suggestion.
First, recognize that you have some control over whether or not you are embarrassed. It might not seem so, especially if this idea is new to you. And it’s true that some people are naturally more prone to physical reactions, like red faces and sweaty trembling, than others. You know who you are.
That said, consider: Is it the event that’s causing the embarrassment? Or is it how I’m reacting to it?
If you find yourself in a situation where you would normally cringe and run for a hiding place, ask yourself, “Do I really want to be embarrassed by this? Could I choose any other reaction? Could I laugh? Could I apologize? Could I take it as a learning experience?”
In other words, bring control back into your hands and choose your reaction. Maybe it will be embarrassment. Or maybe not.
It’s helpful if you choose a substitute behaviour ahead of time so you’ll be ready. I like humour myself, but you pick your own.
Think how powerful it is to be immune to embarrassment. Anyone could say anything about you; it wouldn’t bother you. You can try anything, any adventure, any activity. If you succeed, great! If you fail, ok. You’re not embarrassed. Try again or try something else. It’s like a super power!
Now, what would you suggest that the aspiring novelist husband do?

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