Reality Check: If the cat would only change

Have you ever heard yourself saying, “If only [fill in whatever name you like here] would behave more sensibly. If only they’d pay attention. If only they were more responsible. You know, if only they would act like we want them to act.”
Even when we know the futility of “if only,” it can be hard to let go of that line of thought. If you want to try to change it, here’s a way of looking that just might help.
If you’re familiar with households that have both a cat and a dog, you know that pets develop their own ways of interacting. The cat may be dominant; the dog may be dominant. (Yeah, right.)
Consider the dog’s point of view. Begging for attention and the mere promise of a cookie, she’s ordered around: come, sit, stay, even roll over. Meanwhile the cat runs the house, with prime food, the best sleeping arrangements, the most attention. The worst affront—the cat doesn’t even seem to care!
From the dog’s perspective, she thinks her life would be better if the cat were different. That is, the dog thinks, “If the cat would only change, everything would be perfect.”
Where’s the Choice Theory connection? Have you ever heard (or said)…
“If my spouse would only pay attention, then everything would be better.”
“If my children would only listen, then everything would be better.”
“If my boss would only smarten up, then everything would be better.”
Notice any similarity to the dog’s perspective? It’s that enticing sentiment, “If only somebody else would change, then my life would be better.”
It’s appealing because it may be true! If somebody else were perfect, then your life probably would improve! If your spouse lavished you with love and attention, maybe you would have a better marriage. If your children behaved perfectly, maybe you would have a happier household. If your boss suddenly became a leader instead of a dictator, maybe life at work would be better. All manner of things could improve if only others would improve.
So what’s the problem? You already know, don’t you? The reality is, we can only control ourselves. The only behaviour we can change is our own. It would be so much more convenient if people around us would act the way we know they “should,” but that’s not what we control.
Is there any good news? Yes! The reality is: we can control ourselves. We can change our own behaviour. And if we become clear on what we want, how we want to live, how we want our relationships to be, then we can choose behaviours that will at least open up the possibility of a more satisfying life.
When we find ourselves tempted to blame somebody else for our unhappiness and dissatisfaction, let’s remember the dog. Wishing someone else would change is about as futile as the dog wishing that the cat would change.
“If the cat would only change, then everything would be perfect.” Remembering that won’t solve anything, but maybe it’ll bring a smile. And a smile might be just enough to remind us to choose a more effective behaviour.

This entry was posted in Choosing Perspective and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.