Reality Check: Trust and Betrayal

“What can you do when you believe that your trust has been betrayed?” That question was posed to me recently, and even if you’ve never had a “betrayal experience,” it could still be worthwhile to put some thought into it.
As you might expect, my immediate response is, “It depends.” A difficult situation often involves many factors, and I find that I usually have more questions than answers. Having some appropriate questions to ask ourselves (or others)can at least get us started on the path to an effective response.
If I believed a bond of trust had been broken with me, here are some of the questions I would ask myself. Perhaps you’ll find them useful should this happen to you.
An initial question that is often helpful is, “What do I want?” Do I want to maintain a relationship with this person? Do I want to sort it out? Or do I want to let it go, having possibly learned a very valuable lesson about trusting in the future?
As you are working through what you ultimately want, you might also consider, “Was this a life-shattering betrayal of trust? Or was it, ultimately, just an embarrassment?”
When we disclose an embarrassing tidbit in confidence to someone we thought trustworthy, it’s annoying to learn it’s been spread about. Yet, will this ultimately matter in a week or a month or a year? That situation may be one of those “opportunities to learn” that we are so often presented with in our lives. If we don’t want this to happen again, we know how to prevent it, don’t we?
That situation is quite different from a betrayal that goes beyond embarrassment into lies, cheating or manipulation. It’s helpful to at least be clear and realistic about the difference.
Another hard question, “Could it have been the result of a misunderstanding? Or was it a deliberate effort to hurt?”
Humans are not very good mind-readers, even when we think that we are. It’s tempting to assume that we know what others are thinking. If we assume someone has deliberately hurt us, we’ll likely respond differently than if we leave open the possibility that they simply didn’t know. It can be helpful to ask, “Did you realize how this would hurt me?” The answer you hear might be truthful or it might not be truthful. Either way, you will learn something.
Finally, there’s the question, “What can I control?” I know that I can’t control whether the other person is trustworthy; that is, I can’t control whether they are mean and want to hurt me.
I can, however, control whether I grant someone my trust. You are unlikely to trust a stranger who approaches you at the ATM and asks for your bank PIN. However, we’re not necessarily on guard in many other circumstances. The world, including social media, holds many nice, trustworthy people. But not every stranger is a “friend we haven’t met yet.” Before plunging into a vulnerable disclosure, it’s worth asking, “Do I really want to put my trust in this person?”
If we never trust, then our trust cannot be betrayed. However, never trusting anyone would lead to quite an isolated life. What could we do that’s more satisfying? Consider deliberately choosing who to trust. Rather than go all-in, begin with small confidences. Pay attention to what happens.
Have you ever had trust betrayed? What have you done that’s been helpful?

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