Reality Check: Beginning a New Habit

Some folks approach the beginning of a New Year as the “Season of Good Intentions.” It’s January, a fresh new year stretches ahead of us. The possibilities are endless, or at least, they seem different than the “same old-same old” that we’re leaving behind. Out with the old, in with the new!
However, you may notice that good intentions are easier to talk about than to act on. For example, we might decide to be kinder in this new year, and then we notice that we’ve snapped at the cashier, fumed about all the people who can’t drive, and maybe even glared at the dog, who is, after all, just being a dog.
Where did all that intended kindness go? It would be easier to be kind if everyone else would behave better. The cashier could pack our groceries properly, other drivers could learn to drive or stay off the road, and the dog could sit quietly without chewing on those appealing slippers.
Reality keeps popping up with persistent truths, however, and one of them is that while we can provide information to others that may influence their actions, fundamentally, we can only change ourselves. If we believe that we want to be kinder, happier, have better relationships, the one person who can make changes is, well, us. And change is hard, especially if we are trying to change any well-established habit.
In his writings, Dr. Wm. Glasser identified two sets of habits that have an impact on relationships. One set, the seven “deadly” habits, destroy relationships. The other set, the “caring” habits, improve relationships.
If we have the good intention of wanting to be kinder, then building caring habits and avoiding the deadly habits could be a way to start. It’s not going to hurt anyone, and it could even help. So what might we do?
Let’s compare the destructive habit of criticizing with the caring habit of supporting.
It’s safe to say that you already know what criticism sounds like. Think of, “You didn’t do that right;” “That was dumb;” “Why don’t you ever listen?” and so on. I’m sure that you, like me, could fill pages with examples of criticism.
But what does supporting sound like? How about, “Well done!” or “Keep taking one step at a time.” We could ask, “Would you like to talk about it?” or offer, “I’m here for you.” (Use that one only if it’s true.)
Do you find that it’s harder to think of supportive statements than critical statements? That may be, unless we choose to build a habit of making supportive statements.
Here’s my suggestion. Take some quiet time with a notebook and write down ten phrases that you perceive to be supportive. You can write more if you want, but go for at least ten. They don’t have to be profound, just simple and supportive.
Writing them down, of course, helps us remember. But writing helps in another way, too. Putting them in a little notebook is a reminder that this activity matters; it’s important enough to have a record of it.
Once you have your supportive statements, then find a way to use at least one each day. If you like, you could even check it off in your notebook.
When you deliberately look for opportunities to be supportive, you may be amazed at how often they emerge!
Do you think it’s possible to find an opportunity to say something supportive every day?

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