Reality Check: Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

Why, oh why? Why do we do things that don’t seem to make sense? Even if you always act sensibly yourself, it’s still an interesting question. The answers could help you figure out the rest of us.
Here’s one explanation, based on Choice Theory concepts. Dr. Glasser says humans have these five basic needs: survival/security, love/belonging, power/recognition, freedom and fun. While the basic needs apply to everyone, we have differences, too. For example, one person might have a strong need for fun; another a stronger need for security, and so on.
How we respond to our needs varies, too. Dr. Glasser writes that we store “…pictures of anything in the real world that we believe will satisfy one or more of our basic needs.” Taken together, these pictures “….represent the specific life you want to live.”
When we perceive that our needs are essentially fulfilled, then we are satisfied. If not, then we are motivated to act. Notice that the motivation comes from inside us; that Glasser is suggesting that we are internally motivated as opposed to being “motivated” by forces external to us.
As an example of how our basic needs influence actions, let’s consider food. Everyone eats. Everyone needs to eat. At face value, a meal can be seen as simply a way to satisfy our need for survival/security. Sometimes that is exactly what it is; we eat to provide energy to get through the day.
But that’s not all it does, or at least, that’s not always the case. For some, meals are not merely a means to survive, but events shared with family and friends. What’s up with that?
A meal can be a very effective way of satisfying other needs in addition to survival. You might satisfy your need for freedom by choosing the menu. Recognition is satisfied through compliments and knowledge of a job well done. Conversation and enjoyment of each other satisfies the need for fun. Finally, the event is filled with love/belonging.
It’s quite a feat to get all of that need-satisfaction from just one activity, isn’t it? If you ever feel overworked from elaborate meal preparations and ask yourself, “Why am I doing this again?” you can know there are good reasons.
However, sometimes we find ourselves doing difficult, labour-intensive activities which lead to frustration rather than satisfaction. “All pain; no gain,” so to speak.
For example, what if that labour-intensive meal was marred by complaints, criticisms, maybe even a big fight? How’s it feel when your effort to help a friend is met with resentment rather than gratitude? Or when your well-thought out advice to your boss is dismissed as impractical rather than brilliant? Even your family-fun suggestion for the weekend might be received with indifference instead of excitement.
In each case, you may be asking yourself, “Why do I bother?”
When we are puzzled by our own actions or frustrated by the actions of others, we may gain some clarity by looking at the needs involved. That is, consider, “What need am I trying to satisfy here? If it were satisfied, what would that look like?” In other words, what is my picture of satisfying that need?
Look at your answers without judging whether your pictures are right or wrong, selfish or selfless. Just look. Then ask, “Is my picture realistic? Is it even possible? Does it depend on the actions of others?” Finally, “Is what I’m doing an effective way to satisfy this need?”
Would looking at actions from a needs-perspective be helpful for you?