Reality Check: Different People; Different Pictures

Does everybody want basically the same thing? The idea is appealing, but is it true?
We can certainly find groups of people who do want essentially the same things. When we choose friends, it’s likely that they are people who share our values and beliefs. Teams, whether sports, work, or even “Team Canada” build on the idea, “We’re in this together. We have the same goals.”
Choice theory suggests that we have a collection of pictures in our heads, which Dr. Glasser refers to as our “quality world.” There are pictures of people, things, and values that we believe will satisfy our needs.
Another Choice Theory idea is that we all have the same basic needs: for security/survival, freedom, fun, power, and love/belonging.
So if we share the same basic needs, how can we perceive people and events so differently? How can one person see an action as absolutely right, whereas another sees it as absolutely wrong? Perhaps those “pictures in our heads” can give us a clue.
Let’s look at introverts and extraverts. An introvert might picture a “good time” as sitting with a book and a cat in front of the fire, with or without an adult beverage. The extravert’s picture of a good time is different; for one thing, there are people in their picture! They are probably even talking! There’s music and excitement; maybe chaos! It’s great!
What we want, in this example, a “good time” shows up as a different picture for different people.
Differences in our “what we want” pictures can be a source of conflict. For example, Harold pictures a good society as one where people are taken care of, protected from stresses, with safety and comfort for all. Martha pictures a good society where people are self-reliant, largely free to do as they choose, and responsible for their actions.
What happens when Harold and Martha talk? It could go well. What would that look like? Both learn about each other, each gets to see a different perspective and they strengthen their relationship. It’s unlikely that either will change their picture though.
Even so, the conversation can be entertaining, give food for thought, inspire further discussion and motivate enthusiasm for exploring ideas.
That could happen; it’s one possibility. There are other possibilities. Harold and Martha could get into a shouting match, complete with insulting labels and personal attacks. At the end of that, we can be certain that no one’s mind has been changed. Even if there were areas where their pictures matched, they’re not likely to show up now. The most lasting result may be a hardening of heart toward the other.
What makes the difference? Again, that could come down to their “what you want” picture. If both people value the relationship more than the disagreement, they have a great starting point for conversation. If they honestly want to learn what the other person believes and why, the conversation can go well.
However, if either, or both, people picture a “good conversation” as one where they “win” and change the mind/picture of the other person, that doesn’t bode well for a mutually satisfying conversation.
Our pictures don’t need to be the same to get joy from talking to each other. However, if we enter a conversation with the goal of changing the other’s point of view, we may find that our picture goes unsatisfied!
Do others try to change you to their way of thinking? Do you try to change other people to your way of thinking? How well does that work?