Reality Check: Those Pictures in our Heads

Have you noticed that people sometimes make choices that don’t make sense? Maybe you’ve even done this yourself! Curious, isn’t it? We know better. Why, oh why?
If you’ve been reading these columns, then you know that I have a theory for you! Choice Theory, to be specific. And while knowing a theory probably won’t keep us from making counterproductive choices, at least it can help us understand. That could help us have more control. And even if we can’t gain control, at least we can choose to be less frustrated about it. Understanding can help.
With understanding as our goal, here’s one possible explanation for how we make choices. Based in Choice Theory, it’s Dr. Glasser’s concept of our “quality world.”
The term “quality world” isn’t exactly self-explanatory, so here’s some background. Starting from birth, as we grow and gain experience, we find that some things are satisfying, while other things are not. Chocolate cake, satisfying. Stubbed toe, nope. Warm hugs, satisfying. Angry voices, not. And so on.
Glasser says we store these satisfying objects, experiences, values as pictures. He calls that collection of pictures our “quality world.” You might prefer to call them perceptions rather than pictures. Either way, he writes, “The quality world in my head is a small, selective part of my total memory. It is the world that I want right now—it could even be called my ideal world…”
He also suggests that we are motivated to satisfy our needs; such as survival, belonging, freedom, etc., and it’s through fulfilling those pictures that we can get that satisfaction.
Amy’s quality world contains a picture of a close, happy family; that would satisfy her need for love and belonging. She also has a picture of financial independence; that would satisfy her need for survival. What happens when brother Artie asks for financial help that she thinks would jeopardize her independence?
Fulfilling that request conflicts with her survival picture. But she wants a good family relationship. Frustration results. What does she do? Her first-reaction might be to blame Artie for being irresponsible and complain that he always wants her to bail him out. Even if she does give Artie the money, the relationship may be damaged by that reaction. Then both pictures: the loving family and the financial independence, go unsatisfied.
Can Amy come up with a more effective response?
First, it’s helpful to remember that she can’t control what Artie does, but her actions are under her control. Can she have a good family relationship without risking her security?.
Amy’s situation might become clearer if she looks as each picture separately. Consider her picture of independence. What does she need to satisfy it? For some people, having the month’s rent might be enough. But Amy might perceive that she needs all bills covered a year in advance. That’s her right; it’s her picture. Does Artie’s request really endanger her? It depends on her picture, and only she can decide.
Let’s also examine Amy’s picture of “loving family.” What, exactly, does that look like? Is helping Artie necessary for a loving family? Does that foster a genuinely loving family? Or does that only contribute to an illusion that she’s in a loving family?
When we struggle with making a choice, we might get clarity by asking, “What pictures am I trying to satisfy? What action will help me satisfy them? Will my action satisfy one need but frustrate another?
Do you have “ideal world” pictures?