Reality Check: Our Many Types of Relationships

Relationships. What do you think of? Perhaps the type of relationship that springs to mind is what we call “romantic” relationships, spouses, partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, and so on. The common phrase “in a relationship” is often taken to mean you have one special person with whom you share your life, decisions, plans.
That type of relationship is important. But we have other important relationships, too.
Among them are family relationships: children, siblings, parents, extended family. There are friends, preferably friends who bring mutual sharing of joy, sorrow, caring, assistance. There are work relationships; some friendly, others not, but still necessary to do complex work. We have many types of relationships.
In “Take Charge of Your Life,” Dr. Glasser quotes from research that says,“…feelings of loneliness occur when there is a discrepancy between our desire for connection to others and the actual connections we have.”
If you are having relationship-related frustration, here’s a question to think about: “What do I want from this relationship?”
Now you may be thinking, “That sounds selfish! It’s not all about ‘what I want!’” I agree. Especially in a relationship between friends, if we concentrate only on what we want and pay no mind to what the other person wants, the friendship likely won’t last long.
Other relationships, where we are forced together regardless of friendship, may produce anger or resentment if one or both focuses only on their own wants.
However, the answer to what we want from a relationship isn’t necessarily all about us. What we want may be to serve the other person in some way, to perform tasks or to act as a helper, encourager, comforter, and so on. What we want can be very much a two way street; to give in some ways, receive in others. Wanting, in itself, is neither selfish nor unselfish.
If a relationship is bringing you more grief than joy, it can be clarifying to consider what you want and whether it is realistic to expect to get what you want from this type of relationship. Or from this person.
For example, Ryan and Sandy can be best friends when they are sharing activities with their children, going fishing, and fixing stuff together in somebody’s back yard. But as soon as the conversation strays into politics, everything falls apart.
Or take Ann and Karen. Best friends at work, they agree on how things are to be done, they work efficiently together, and together create a team that is truly better than the sum of its parts. But after work, when Ann goes off to concerts and Karen goes to her horses, they would appear to have no connection whatsoever.
Do Ryan and Sandy have to agree on everything to have a good relationship? Do Karen and Ann need to share more activities? I would say no. Those types of relationships satisfy some needs; neither satisfies all.
It can be tempting to spend time debating the areas where we disagree, instead of enjoying the areas where we agree. Granted, sometimes those debates can be fun, we can learn, get different perspectives. That’s all good.
However, if you see that your differences are putting a wrench into your enjoyment of the satisfying aspects of your relationship, maybe it’s time to ask, “What do I want from this relationship?”
Any one relationship is unlikely to satisfy all of our wishes. Different types of relationships can be satisfying in different ways.
Do you know what you want from your relationships?