Reality Check: When Our Choices Are Questioned

We make decisions each day; some big, many small. Many of us like to believe that we make those decisions based on logic and facts. We weigh pros and cons and we make the best possible choice based on the information that we have at the time.
I’m sure that there are times when that’s exactly how it happens, too!
If you’ve been reading these posts for awhile, then you already know that Dr. Glasser suggests that we choose our actions in attempts to satisfy our needs. Our needs aren’t necessarily selfish needs,
but they are needs nevertheless. We act to try to turn the real world into the world that we’d like to be living in.
In some cases, that means that we make choices that might seem illogical or even counter-productive. For example, you might make the choice to spend long days at work in an attempt to satisfy your need for security. However, this could result in missing out on building close relationships with family or friends, thus frustrating your need for love and belonging.
Maybe the need for love and belonging is not all that strong for you; you don’t need lots of interaction to feel that you belong. Or maybe you would like to have more connection with people, but you’re prepared to forego that immediate pleasure for more satisfying interactions in the future, like hosting get-togethers in your cottage by the lake. You know, that cottage that you’ll only be able to afford if you put in long hours at work now.
To the family or friends who are missing your companionship now, your choices may seem irrational, even selfish. Sadly, these different perspectives of the same situation can result in relationship difficulties.
While each of us can only control our own choices, the choices that we make do often have an impact on others. Unless both parties have some shared understanding of why we are making the choices that we make, conflicts can arise.
For example, why not spend all of our savings on a family vacation? Why can’t we have the same luxuries that everyone else seems to have? Why are you spending all of your free time doing difficult study or hard manual labour rather than hanging out with friends, like other people do?
If your choices are being questioned in a way that is causing frustration or even conflict, here are two observations you might find helpful to keep in mind.
First, conclusions and consequences that are perfectly self-evident to you or to me may not be at all obvious to everyone! This shows up particularly when choices involve making short-term sacrifices for potentially long-term future benefits. You might find it hard to believe, but not everyone understands that making tradeoffs now could result in a brighter tomorrow.
Second, everyone doesn’t have the same strength of each need. For example, one person may be satisfied with occasional interactions; someone else may perceive they’ve been abandoned unless they talk every day. Thus, one person may view an expensive holiday as an essential young-family experience, while another sees a college fund as the way to demonstrate parental love.
What’s the solution? By now, you may be thinking that talking to each other is at least a step in a good direction. My suggestion is that if you keep these two points in mind during your conversation, you may find the discussion will bear more fruit and less frustration.
Do people question your choices? How do you respond?