Reality Check: A Curious Quest

Everyone has an opinion about something. And some people seem to have opinions about everything! While this can make for lively conversation, differences in opinion can also result in hard feelings.
Our lives go a little more smoothly when we can get along with most of the people we need most of the time. We may not agree, but it’s helpful to be able to talk to each other civilly, cooperate as we need to, and see each other as people who deserve respect and dignity.
However, perhaps you have someone in your life with whom you just can’t seem to manage even basic civil conversation. If it’s necessary for you to interact, but you find it hard to be courteous (because they are so very wrong), then here is a suggestion for you.
Instead of trying to convince someone of their wrongness, approach the conversation as if it’s a scientific exploration. You’re on a quest, and your goal is to learn how they’ve reached their opinion.
This approach demands curiosity. It requires questioning. And if you approach this with sincerity, not only can it be enlightening, but it might also be highly entertaining.
How would you do this? Think of some questions; preferably open-ended questions that invite more response than a simple “yes” or “no.”
What questions? It depends on the issue, but here are a few possibilities. “How did you come to reach this conclusion? How do you see this situation unfolding? How do you decide who is truthful and who is not?
One phrase that I have found useful in many environments is, “Help me understand…” Remember this is not an argument. It’s a quest. You don’t have to agree or disagree with whatever comes out, you’re just exploring.
The curious approach isn’t just for disagreements. We can also use it to deepen our close relationships. Think we know the people closest to us? Try asking questions, see what you learn! (You might want let your friends and family know you’re trying something new, lest they perceive that they are being interrogated!)
You could ask things such as, Tell me about how you grew up. Why did you choose to live here? What was your family like? How did you get started in what you do? What made you choose …? Did you always want to be a …? If you had an afternoon with absolutely nothing to do, how would you spend it?
One successful experiment that I’d done involved giving a good-quality notebook as a gift, with the request that the recipient use it to write letters to me. Time went by; nothing happened. (And we know that nagging doesn’t help, so I just had to let it go.) But later, it turned out that stories had, indeed, been written! It’s now a cherished possession for me.
Not everyone likes to write. And not everyone likes to read. Every curious quest isn’t going to have a successful outcome. But some do. Telling stories; engaging in conversation that goes beyond the weather and sports scores can be highly satisfying.
If you have differences with important people in your life that are causing distress, then consider asking yourself whether the relationship is more important than the differences. Remember that you have options. You are not required to allow your differences to be a cause of conflict.
Even when you perceive that the other person is mean, misinformed, or misguided, seeking to understand could be helpful. Might curiosity help you reach that understanding?