Reality Check: Does It Matter Who Is Watching?

The choices that we make, both big and small, affect our lives. They contribute to whether we are reasonably satisfied or rather miserable. How do we make our choices?
If our behaviour is internally motivated as Dr. Glasser suggests, then we make choices in attempts to satisfy our needs. Sometimes people go about satisfying their needs by attempting to control others, which Glasser refers to as “external control.”
One example of external control that would be familiar to you is the use of rewards and punishment.
You might call it the “carrot-stick” approach. If you do what I want, there’s a reward for you, a pleasant outcome. If you don’t, there’s a punishment. Glasser also refers to this as “bribing to control,” one of his seven “deadly” habits that destroy relationships.
In her book, “Growing Yourself Up,” Australian counsellor Jenny Brown discusses a difficulty related to using rewards and punishment when raising children. She writes, “…the biggest downside to relying on rewards and punishments is that our children learn to behave according to who’s watching.”
For example, Marsha knows that her mom loves her and wants only the best for her. She also knows that mom disapproves of her food choices. When they meet for lunch, Marsha chooses the salad. She makes different choices, however, when Mom’s not there.
Even though poor food choices aren’t in Marsha’s best interests, she still sees healthy choices as being “for her mom.” Marsha is satisfying other needs when she picks the chocolate cake. When Mom’s not looking, those other needs prevail.
Although Brown doesn’t reference Choice Theory, when we rely on rewards and punishments to raise children or interact with others, we are essentially “bribing to control.”
Does it matter if we change our behaviour depending on who is watching? You can make your own value judgement about that. I’ll suggest a different question, Can we use our tendency to be influenced by who is watching to help us make more effective choices? That is, can we use it to bring more satisfaction into our lives rather than less?
Here’s a suggestion to think about. Picture someone who brings out the best in you. That could be because they love you, or you admire them, or they set a good example. Maybe it’s because they would embarrass you or because you’re afraid of what they’d say if you didn’t do your best. For this purpose, it doesn’t matter why; the important part is that this person brings out your best.
This could be a real person: family, friend, mentor. It could be someone you’ve known in your past who’s had a big influence on you. It could even be someone you don’t know, perhaps a leader whom you admire or someone whom you believe always does the right thing. Think of it as having an imaginary friend if that works for you.
Now when faced with a decision, ask yourself, “What would I do if this person was watching me?”
“But wait!” you could protest. Isn’t this approach just another way to give up control; to turn over our decisions to someone else?
Not really. We can use this process as a source of information. You’re still making the decision. The suggestion simply encourages us to think about whether the choice we make is the one that reflects us at our best.
Does knowing that someone is watching make a difference in your decisions?