Reality Check: An Inconvenient Truth About Caring

Tradeoffs. In many situations, we can’t get exactly what we want; we have to choose among less-than-ideal options.
For example, let’s choose where to live. Town or country? One is convenient with easy access to services, but that is traded off against a lack of space and loss of privacy. What is more important? Which will best satisfy our needs? We won’t all choose the same answer.
Not all tradeoffs are obvious. Consider how we use our time. There are only so many hours in a day; when we spend them on one activity, others are not getting attention.
How about this one: Are tradeoffs needed if we want to have caring relationships?
A friend recently said to me, “Always thought life alone makes much less stress (true in a lot of ways) but someone to care for and to care for us is better.”
Indeed, life alone can be less stressful in some ways. For example, Sally perceives that she has little need for relationships. She can take care of herself, thank you very much. She prefers to have as much control as possible over her life; adding people to it would only create chaos. They might have opinions and interests that Sally doesn’t like. They might even try to tell her what to do! Sally sees her largely solitary life as the most satisfying choice.
Barry, on the other hand, wants lots of warm relationships and he cares deeply about them. These relationships bring many positive shared experiences and laughter. However, Barry worries when he sees “his” people making choices that he perceives to be poor ones. He feels responsible for them, even though he can’t control their choices. Do you think that leads to stress and frustration? It could.
Even satisfying relationships can come with irritations, problems and stresses. There are difficulties as well as joy. When we care like Barry does, we open ourselves up to being hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of, even resented.
By now you may be thinking that I’m not doing a very good job of “selling” caring! However, it’s helpful to be realistic about the reality of tradeoffs in relationships. Consider what there is to gain and what we stand to lose.
Whether we wanted it or not, we experienced some isolation during pandemic restrictions. Connections and rituals that we had taken for granted were broken; some may never return.
We now have an opportunity to reflect and contrast how we felt, thought and acted when isolated compared to when we are regularly around people we care for. Connection can change our outlook. We can become more positive and less isolated and suspicious.
However, if you believe that caring just isn’t worth the risk, my suggestion is to at least entertain the notion of bringing people to care about into your life. They can add to your quality of life, your satisfaction, your mental and even your physical health.
Even Sally may find that some connection is better than none. However, if she does choose to look for relationships, I’d suggest she remain alert to the reality that people do not always act in accordance with what they say. Look at actions rather than words when you assess potential relationships.
One good relationship makes the tradeoffs worthwhile. And I’d like to thank Ken for giving me permission to use his comment as the inspiration for this article.
Are you aware of tradeoffs in any of your relationships?