Reality Check: A Simple Thank You

Do you offer compliments? If so, is it rarely, only when someone has done something truly extraordinary? Or does giving compliments come easily to you?
Now, how about receiving compliments? Can you accept a compliment without embarrassment, shrugging it off, or protesting?
A sincere compliment is a wonderful element of communication that can satisfy important needs for both the giver and the receiver. Here, I’m thinking specifically of compliments related to actions.
For example, “Sally, you are so beautiful” is certainly complimentary. However, “Sally, you did an outstanding job on that project” is a little different in that it recognizes Sally’s accomplishment based on her skills and effort.
In other words, Sally may not have a choice as to whether she is beautiful, but she does have a choice as to whether she does an outstanding job. The compliment is recognition of her choice.
Recognition is, in fact, one of the important benefits of a compliment. Choice Theory asserts that we each have some level of need for what’s called power/recognition. We have a need to be recognized. We want to be heard and valued.
Have you ever felt devalued or unheard? Perhaps you were in a conversation where everyone ignored you, talked over you, or dismissed you as wrong or unimportant. Maybe you were even mocked. That doesn’t feel very good, does it? How do you react?
I suspect that you didn’t walk away with warm, loving feelings toward anyone in that conversation. What’s worse, it may have had a carry-over effect, where you go home and belittle your children. You might even take out your frustration on the dog! We can’t have that.
Contrast this with a conversation where your input is requested, where people listen carefully to what you say. They treat you with respect, and even if your comments are not ultimately acted upon, you know you’ve been heard. You might not think of that as a compliment, but it is positive recognition, isn’t it?
How do you treat the children (or the dog) after a successful interaction like that? You might feel like a whole new satisfied person.
Thus, the compliment (or recognition, if you prefer) is one direct method that can build or improve many relationships. It says, “I hear you; I respect your view even if it’s different from mine.” It sets up the environment for more conversation, more exchange, and possibly for more learning and progress.
Maybe you feel silly giving a compliment. Maybe you think it’ll be embarrassing for you (they wouldn’t want to hear a compliment from little old me).
I urge you to take a chance. Give it a try. I’m not suggesting gushy compliments that have no basis in truth. Just sincere, honest commentary when someone does a good job, expresses a thoughtful opinion, or makes an extra effort.
Now, how about the art of receiving compliments? Yes, it could be considered an art, as there are people who find receiving a compliment awkward or even embarrassing. When someone recognizes your efforts, what do you say?
If you’re complimented and you’re at a loss for words, here’s a pair for you: “Thank you.” That’s it, that’s all you need. No need to diminish the compliment or say that it’s not necessary. Just thank you. You could smile too, if you want to make it really special.
On that note, I’ll take this opportunity to say “Thank you” to the folks who read this column regularly and especially to those of you (you know who you are) who send comments. It’s encouraging to know that I sometimes hit the mark with my topics and suggestions, and it’s the recognition from you that lets me know it works!
How are your complimenting skills?