There may be times when we find ourselves with a conflict so profound, so unsolvable, that it truly is like being between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do; what creative solutions you dream up, reality keeps telling you that nothing you do will resolve this.
In “Take Charge of Your Life,” Dr. Glasser refers to these situations as a type of “true conflict.” He also suggests that compared to “false conflicts,” true conflicts are relatively rare. False conflicts are conflicts that can be resolved, but often require work that we are not prepared to do. By comparison, in a true conflict, no matter what we do, we are not able to get what we want.
My observation is that true conflicts tend to be conflicts that involve other people, whom of course we cannot control.
If what someone else wants is in serious conflict with what we want, and it’s in an area that affects our lives together, then we have conflict.
Glasser cites the example of Jeff and Kelly. Jeff was offered a great job on the other side of the country. His wife, Kelly, is an only child who will not leave her aging parents in this area.
There is no negotiation that will resolve this. Seemingly reasonable options have been discussed, but the conflicting pictures remain a fact. It’s a true conflict.
Is there anything we can do when involved in a true conflict?
Glasser offers two suggestions. Both may seem counter-intuitive, but could nevertheless be worth considering.
The first suggestion is to do nothing. Yes, that sounds odd doesn’t it? But when we have a strong impulse to do something in a conflict, we may act in ways that are actually counterproductive. For example, we might try to dull the conflict-caused pain with drugs or alcohol, we might rant about the problem to friends and family, and so on.
Those actions don’t help, do they? We alienate people who care for us with our complaining, or dull our abilities to cope with substances. Ultimately, these actions damage our body and our relationships.
Thus, doing nothing is actually a strategy. Keep in mind that even though we are doing nothing, the world goes on. Time passes, people change, events happen. An attitude may soften; a new and different offer may appear.
Doing nothing, however, doesn’t mean “sit on the couch and play games.” We must still do our best work, treat everyone with grace and kindness; remain diligent and respectful. See what happens as time passes.
The second suggestion is to do a time-limited trial. You can tell people that’s what you’re doing, or not tell them. That’s up to you. In your trial, choose a side and act accordingly for a period of time. Glasser’s examples suggest 6 months, but it’s your trial, you choose what makes sense for you.
For example, Jeff’s trial could be to take the new job, try it for six months. See what happens. Maybe Kelly will join him after all. Maybe her parents will decide that they’d like to move too.
Or his trial could be to stay where he is for six months. If he keeps working diligently, maybe a new, better job will appear that doesn’t require a move.
In either case, the same rule applies: do your best work, treat everyone with good will, and keep your eyes open.
Remember that these suggestions are for true conflicts. If the conflict is within yourself, a different strategy may be more effective.
