Do you spend much time talking to people? Some people spend lots of time in conversation; others very little. Some of us need to talk for work or to fulfill other responsibilities. And you may notice that some people find conversation satisfying, while others don’t.
If we look at conversation from a Choice Theory perspective, it’s easy to see that talking can help to satisfy our basic needs, such as for love/belonging and fun.
Different types of relationships, of course, lead to different types of conversations.
We may share recipes, gossip, or the name of our favourite plumber with some people. With others, if we are fortunate, we may be comfortable revealing our deepest thoughts, hopes, and values. Either way, talking can boost togetherness.
Life for any of us will have its difficulties, whether of our own doing or just because that’s the way things are. It’s possible that at some point, we will find ourselves overtaken by fear, sadness, grief, puzzlement. What do we do then?
Conversation can be a way to relieve suffering. However, sometimes those conversations can sound a lot like complaints.
The list of “deadly habits” that Dr. Glasser suggests can destroy relationships includes the habit of complaining. I’m sure you can understand why. Continuous complaints don’t add much to the joy of conversation. It gets tedious if you hear repetitive complaints with no apparent interest or movement toward solutions.
What if you perceive that you have become a sounding board for people who see you as a place to lodge their complaints? They may not be complaining about you, but the usual interaction is one of finding faults.
If your job is working in the complaint department, you’ll have (or should have) procedures for that! But what might the rest of us do? If you want to help someone in distress, then you may have found that it’s not always easy to know what to say.
Asking questions is often more effective than making statements. One of my favourites, useful for so many situations, is “Would you like a suggestion?” If the answer is “no,” then you may as well save your breath.
What if the answer is “yes” and you don’t have a sure-fire suggestion to offer?
Take some time, put your heads together, discuss it, and you will likely find something, even a small thing, that can lead to action in a positive direction. The point is that your partner has declared that they are open to information. Solutions don’t necessarily appear instantly, but this is an important first step toward progress.
Dr. Bob Wubbolding offers some questions that may not solve the problem, but can move the thinking process forward. I’ll look at one of them now, and another next time.
This week’s question: “What could you do that would help the situation?”
Notice that this asks, “What could you do?” These few words contain two important elements. First, “could” suggests that you are seeking something that is possible, that’s within the control of the person.
The second word is “do.” You are looking for an action. Taking action in a positive direction can change everything: our thoughts, feelings, relationships, everything. Figuring out what action would be effective is the trick though, isn’t it?
That’s where the conversation can really be helpful. Neither of you may know what action to take yet, but asking the question is a place to start.
Life can be difficult. It becomes easier when we have contact and conversation with supportive people; with folks who genuinely want to see us satisfied, encouraged, and making progress. We can provide the same value for others, too. A question or two can be a good place to start.
Do you have a question that you’ve found to be effective ?
