Reality Check: Problems, Questions and Distractions

We can’t know for certain what life will bring to us from one day to the next. Perhaps it will be joy and satisfaction. I hope so. However, it’s likely that sooner or later, every one of us will encounter some difficulties along the way.
When that happens, sharing those difficulties can help to reduce the pain. Have a conversation; talk about it.
However, you may have already experienced the reality that some of those conversations help; others don’t. A conversation about problems could bring us closer together or it could drive us further apart. Dr. Bob Wubbolding addresses the second possibility as he writes, “When someone dumps his or her problems on you…”

You may have had the experience where you perceive that someone has “dumped” their problems on you. The end result of that dumping may be even more frustration for both of you. What could we do that might make that conversation more helpful?
In “A Set of Direction for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together,” Dr. Bob says that it’s important to remember to talk about possible solutions when we talk about problems.
Continuing the quote, he writes, “When someone dumps his or her problems on you, listen politely for a while, then ask…”
Listening is important. However, active listening is also curious. It engages. It asks questions. And there are many questions that could be useful.
Last column, I mentioned, “Would you like a suggestion?” (A question that’s useful in so many situations; not just for problems.) You might also ask, “What could you do that would help the situation?”
A few more questions oriented toward problem-solving are: “What would you like to see happen?” “Can you work it out?” “Do you have a way of handling it?” “Can you think of someone knowledgeable who could help you?”
Depending on the situation, a different type of question might also be helpful. Here it is, from Dr. Bob, “How will you take your mind off the problem for a while?”
What do you think of that? Does it strike you as putting it off? Nothing gets solved by avoiding, does it?
Well, let’s think about that. First, is anything getting solved by complaining? Probably not, or it wouldn’t still be a problem. And we know that continuing to do the thing that isn’t working likely isn’t helping.
Another important issue is that some problems are not solvable, or at least, they are not solvable now. Time may not heal all wounds, but time can provide an opportunity for changes to happen.
There are many things that we can’t control. For example, you have probably learned, as I have, that when you have an injury, some actions definitely don’t help. Sometimes we just have to sit quietly and wait. Patience can indeed be a virtue.
Maybe it’s time to suggest trying something different. Take a break from the nagging problem. Pull back. See what happens.
Distractions have value. It’ll be no surprise that I’ll suggest that we choose positive, productive activities as our distractions, rather than passive or even destructive actions. I don’t perceive Dr. Bob to be a bossy type of guy, but even he states, “Turn off the TV.” I would add social media scrolling to that “turn off” suggestion.
We can’t expect that every conversation will be a gratifying problem-solving experience. We can offer suggestions; we can ask questions. And sometimes, the useful suggestion for an action to take may be, in a sense, no action at all. Maybe it’s time for a little break, especially one that brings good cheer and draws people closer.
What distraction cheers you? What brightens your outlook?