Reality Check: What Do We Deserve?

“I don’t deserve this!” I’m sure you’ve heard it said and maybe even said it yourself. A typical context is, “I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this bad thing that’s happening to me.”
You could be right. We see examples of terrible things that seem so unfair. There are undeserved illnesses, especially in children; crimes, oppression, disasters turning lives upside down. It can be difficult to accept the reality that so many undeserved bad things happen.
The consequence of perceiving life as a series of terrible events can be terrible in itself. It’s hard to get motivated to do good work if you don’t believe it will pay off. It’s difficult to try to build loving relationships if you perceive that people take advantage. And if you believe that the only luck you have is bad luck, it may seem better to keep your head in the sand, so to speak.
Years ago, Dr. Glasser created a one-page diagram titled “Why and How We Behave.” In Choice Theory circles, it’s known as “The Chart.” It suggests a model of how the brain works, including basic needs, what we want, and how we compare our perceived reality with our wants.
A key feature in the chart is what Glasser refers to as the Perceptual System, which contains filters. We can think of filters as tinted glasses; for example, when we put on our rose-coloured lenses, everything changes colour! Reality hasn’t changed, but our perception of it has changed.
Do you find that you tend to be more alert to bad things than good? For example, somebody does a kindness; we get a momentarily warm feeling and then it’s forgotten. But a nasty interaction can ruin our whole day.
Let’s say that you have a perception that undeserved bad things keep happening to you. Is it possible that you are filtering out any good things while putting full attention toward the bad? Then the question becomes, do you want to make a change? Do we have any control over our filters?
I’d suggest that the answer is “yes,” and that we can activate that control by making deliberate choices.
Here’s the suggestion: When you find yourself questioning why undeserved bad things keep happening, try substituting this question: “Have I earned all of the good things that have happened to me?”
What good things? They will vary, of course, from person to person. But right now, we are breathing, thinking, perhaps even able to walk and talk. That’s something. Maybe we have a friend or a pet to care about. We were born into certain circumstances, some much better than others, yet here we are. We’ve had some pleasures along with the pains.
I’m not suggesting we try to equate the good and the bad or even attempt to make it “fair.” But if you are unhappy and want to try something different, try looking deliberately for good things in your life that have been, in a sense, given to you. Those things that you have not earned through your effort and sacrifice, but that just appeared.
Perhaps you met a friend or a future spouse in unlikely circumstances. Maybe you just happened to be in the right place at the right time to witness a memorable event, to find a good deal, or even to learn a valuable lesson. See what you come up with.
Look deliberately for the unearned good things. Does that change your perception of those undeserved bad things?