Reality Check: When We Don’t See Eye to Eye

A snippet of overheard conversation reminded me of a common source of relationship conflicts. It’s the idea that the people close to you should share your opinions.
In this case, a young woman we’ll call Liz was venting her frustration about a family member named Ella. As Liz sees it, Ella is on the wrong side of many of the hot-button issues of the day. How can she be expected to love and get along with someone who is so very wrong?
There are plenty of issues where people disagree. It would be remarkable and maybe a little creepy if we did find someone who agrees with us totally. We’d wonder: Is this real? Or is it manipulation, an attempt to curry favour?
A healthy discussion with someone who has a different perspective can be useful. But there are situations where people are so at odds that they can barely talk to each other. Is it possible to bridge that gap? Would you even want to? Let’s look at some possibilities for Liz.
An important question is: What kind of relationship do you want with Ella? As Liz and Ella are family, presumably they have some interaction. If Liz wants pleasant family time, then she could suggest to Ella that their relationship is more valuable than the disagreement. They both know where the other stands; there’s no value in discussing/arguing any more. Avoidance of the issue is a legitimate strategy.
A bonus about agreeing to be civil is that it will likely make things more pleasant for the rest of the family too!
Emma may respond with, “So I’ve won then!” My suggestion for Liz: smile and let it go. That may sting for a minute, but remember what you want. Pleasant family time.
A second possibility is that Liz wants a genuine discussion with Ella. Perhaps Liz is so passionate about this issue that she can’t fathom how any reasonable person can be on the “wrong” side. If so, then there is a way to find out.
If Liz truly wants to gain understanding, ask Ella to have a talk. Choose a time and a place, and make a commitment to be respectful. I suggest starting with, “Help me understand what you believe. Why do you see it that way?” Listen more than you talk.
It’s quite possible that you still won’t agree. But if Liz asks genuine questions and listens carefully to the answers, she will know more than when she started. That could, in future, help both to reduce the disdain for each other that passionate disagreement sometimes brings with it.
A third possibility is that what Liz wants, ultimately, is to be declared “right.” To win.
Now, Liz may be able to browbeat Ella to a point where Ella gives up; Liz appears to win. But she will have lost something, too. Browbeating—essentially “I know what’s best for you” is relationship-destroying. Liz might believe she’s won, but Ella is not truly convinced and she will now have neither trust nor respect for Liz.
We have choices in these conflicts. We may choose to avoid the conflict to maintain peace in the relationship. We may choose to discuss the issue to gain understanding. Or we may choose to badger till we think we’ve won. However, if badgering is the choice we make, it’s helpful to remember that it has a significant downside.
Have you seen hot-button issues cause relationship conflicts?