Reality Check: Choosing Feelings, Indirectly

How are you feeling? If you’re feeling good, can you hang on to that feeling? If you’re feeling bad, can you change that feeling?
Last column, I said that Dr. Glasser offers an approach toward gaining control over our feelings. In “Choice Theory,” he writes, “…all our feelings, both pleasurable and painful, are indirectly chosen.” However, if you’ve ever experienced unwanted emotions, (and who hasn’t?) simply telling ourselves to choose a different feeling doesn’t work very well, does it?
Glasser tells the story of Todd, a client whose wife has left him. Todd’s upset. Since his wife walked away, Todd has been sitting at home, hasn’t gone work; he just can’t seem to get going. Some would say he’s “depressed.”
Todd almost certainly wants to feel better. But Glasser says that it would make no sense to tell Todd, “Cheer up!” as attempts to directly change our feelings don’t tend to be effective. So what can we do?
Choice Theory uses the term “total behaviour” to encourage us to view behaviour as four components: acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology. We’re often aware of only one at a time. For example, walking would be an “acting” component; reading might engage our “thinking” component.
How about the “feeling” component? At some point, you may have experienced calm, anxiety, satisfaction, sadness, hope and more.
Finally, there is our physiology. It’s working all the time; our hearts are beating, steady or pounding. We’re breathing, shallow or deep; fast or slow. Our stomach may be churning or calm.
The four components are inseparable. And while we don’t have direct control over our feelings or our physiology, by choosing actions and thoughts, we can indirectly get some control over our feelings and physiology.
When we are feeling unhappy, it’s tempting to choose from a vast selection of ineffective actions. Todd, for example, is withdrawing. Others might choose eating too much, drinking, acting recklessly or aggressively.
What actions could be more effective? In Todd’s case, Glasser suggested a writing task. Todd agreed and immediately felt better! He felt less helpless. Why? Now he has an action to perform; a constructive task to think about and do.
Writing is often a useful activity as it requires thought as well as action. Changing our thoughts and/or changing our actions can change our feelings.
I’m not a big fan of celebrity comments, but a statement by Kathie Lee Gifford makes a helpful point. She was speaking about her choice to move after she experienced some of the changes shared by many of us, including losses, aging, and changed relationships.
She said, “Here’s the bad news: I’m a widow, an orphan, and an empty nester. The good news is: I have the freedom of a widow, an orphan and an empty nester.”
How we think about things has quite the impact on how we feel, doesn’t it? Choosing to change our thoughts and perspective can be a first indirect step on the path to changing our feelings.
But what if you can’t seem to change your thoughts? Try changing your actions. Do something different. Choosing to change an action can be a helpful indirect step toward changing thoughts, thus changing feelings.
While Glasser suggested a writing task for Todd, we know that isn’t an action that’s helpful for everyone. Some people like to express themselves by writing; others don’t. So choose an action that suits you, preferably one that requires that you think as well as act. Then do it.
Have you found that choosing an action can make a difference in how you feel?