Reality Check: Other People’s Futures

We know that we can only take action in the present. Even so, do you find that the future is very much in your thoughts? Why?
If you want to consider a Choice Theory explanation, we could look at what Dr. Glasser refers to as our basic needs. Perhaps you have a strong need for security or for belonging. Your picture of satisfying those needs may well include concern for the future. Perhaps you’re concerned about your own future, worried about people close to you, or fear for others around the world.
For many difficulties, it can help to evaluate what we’re doing. We could ask ourselves, “Is my outlook on the future helping me? Or hurting me?” Based on what we find, we can choose to continue as we have been, or we could make a change.
For example, Cindi is worried about the future of her nephew, Colin. She believes his parents have not properly prepared him for adulthood. While she has no direct responsibility, Cindi is troubled by what she sees as Colin’s lack of clarity and direction.
However, Cindi has no control over Colin’s future. Colin is a pleasant, lovable lad, but he’s never asked for her advice. From Cindi’s perspective, the most unfortunate part is that he doesn’t even seem to realize he needs advice!
Unfortunately, Cindi’s concerns are having a negative impact on her life; she is agitated and even losing sleep. If Cindi examines what she is doing (fretting) and she sees that it is hurting her, what would you suggest she do?
You may be thinking that I’ll suggest something to do with communication. You would be right!
If Cindi were to ask me how to get this awful feeling of dread for Colin out of her head, I’ll suggest talking to him. That’s not hard to do once you have a plan. What would Cindi say?
How about, “Colin, I’d like to talk with you. Would you like to meet?”
Colin is free to say no. But if he and Cindi have a reasonable relationship, then a more likely response is yes.
Set a date and time, as if it’s a business meeting. Cindi could even write an agenda. (That is what I would do. Others will differ.)
What would Cindi say? She could start with, “I’m interested in your plans for the future. Would you like to tell me about them?”
Then listen. Cindi might be surprised by what she hears. Colin may say, “Great! Here’s what I want to do…” Now they have something to talk about. Is Colin thinking realistically? Does he have a time frame? And so on.
On the other hand, Colin may be clueless, with no thoughts or plans. Then Cindi can say, “Would you like me to help you figure something out?”
Or Colin may lie (to Cindi and maybe to himself) by pretending he has a plan, but it’s impossible or unrealistic. Even here, Cindi could say, “I can see that there could be some difficulties with how this might work. Maybe I can help with it?”
There are many possibilities. The point is to take action and start a conversation. Then see what happens.
By the way, if Colin tells Cindi that he doesn’t want a conversation, then she will still have gained a new, helpful piece of information. It may be time for her to re-examine the relationship with clearer eyes. Perhaps the closeness that she believes exists is only in her mind. This can be hard to accept, but it’s still useful information.
What action would you suggest to Cindi?