An acquaintance suggested that I watch a new documentary. I respect his opinion and the topic sounded interesting, so I had great expectations.
When a rainy day finally came along and I took the opportunity to watch it, I was disappointed. As the ending credits rolled, I thought, “There’s an hour of my life I won’t get back.”
However, there was a useful outcome;
it prompted me to think about expectations and how they contribute (or not) to our satisfaction.
For example, have you ever set off on a casual drive, just to see what you might see? With no expectations; it’s just an outing. Then you unexpectedly come across something wonderful. Maybe you meet an interesting person or find a great little café. The day exceeds your expectations.
I imagine we’ve all had the opposite experience too. That would be when we set out with high expectations and find that reality is not prepared to comply. Like the first day at a new job that sounded so exciting but turns out that it isn’t. Or a conversation that you expected would happily clear the air; then ended up in an argument. The possibilities are endless.
Is it helpful to have high expectations? Or is it better to keep them low?
A gentleman I visited occasionally would tell me about his mother. She was an immigrant, widowed early in her marriage, raising children during the Depression. It could not have been an easy life.
But apparently, she was not dissatisfied. For example, he said that when winter approached, “As long as she had a barrel of sauerkraut and a barrel of pork in the cellar, she was happy.” She was able to fulfill her expectation.
Expectations, of course. have changed. We expect to be able to fly across the country, have foods from around the world, be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. In past years, people’s expectations did not include luxuries like those.
The Choice Theory model uses the image of our “Quality World” to help explain what we need to feel satisfied. Dr. Glasser describes it as a place in our memory that contains pictures of what we want. It’s not just things; there are also people (relationships), values, ideas; everything that we believe will increase the quality of our lives. That would include our expectations of positive things.
When we perceive that what we have pretty much matches our Quality World, we’re generally satisfied. But what if they don’t match? For example, maybe a relationship isn’t working as we’d like, or we don’t have the things we want, or maybe the whole world isn’t unfolding the way we believe it should. How do we react? Frustration, distress, anger, resentment, sadness…
Like so many things, expectations can be helpful or unhelpful. Some people choose expectations deliberately to inspire or motivate themselves or others to work harder, meet goals, build better relationships.
Other people view expectations as if they are the way things should be. “This is what I deserve.” That’s even more unsatisfying if we believe it’s someone else’s responsibility to meet them.
The good news is that we have some control over our expectations. We can choose to use our expectations as a helpful prod to action. Or we can dwell on the disappointment of reality when they are not met.
Back to the documentary: It didn’t meet my expectations. Had I just stumbled upon it with no expectations, I wouldn’t have been disappointed. Besides, I could have chosen to stop watching at any time, couldn’t I?
Do your expectations serve a useful purpose? Do they help you or hurt you?
