Ask anyone, “Is it good to be generous?” I think most would say yes; generosity is a desirable trait. To be seen as being mean and selfish is insulting.
Generosity isn’t only about money or material goods. People who give of their time or their knowledge are also showing generosity. Someone who provides encouragement or even a listening ear demonstrates generosity too.
James Clear, the author of “Atomic Habits,” suggests different ways of looking at generosity. This example caught my attention:
“Not taking things personally can be a form of generosity. You give people the space to say things imperfectly.”
Isn’t that interesting? When someone says something that I could perceive as offensive, I have a choice.
Let’s take a trivial example. Sally has informed me that my hair is getting really grey. I can choose to be offended. Or not.
For one thing it’s true. But truth is sometimes irrelevant when it comes to these choices, isn’t it? Likewise, whether or not Sally wants to offend me doesn’t need to control my decision either.
Sally may have been hoping to hurt my feelings. People have all kinds of motivations, and you and I both know that not all of those motivations are kind. But does it help me to be offended?
Let’s look at my options, and decide which choice is more generous.
If Sally hopes to hurt me and I choose to be offended, then I have played into her hands, haven’t I? It’s even worse if I realize that my offended feelings haven’t satisfied me; they have only satisfied Sally.
If Sally hopes to hurt me and I choose not to take offense, then Sally gets no satisfaction. Her unkind words bounced right off my grey hair, with no impact on me at all.
When someone wants to offend us, it’s helpful to remember our choices. We don’t have to take offense, even if someone really, really wants us to.
What if Sally didn’t mean to hurt me? She just made an observation. She might even have intended it as a compliment; grey hair indicates wisdom and maturity and other positive attributes. This is where we might consider James Clear’s comment; it’s generous to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Choosing to take offense would have only negative consequences. Sally would walk away genuinely puzzled, wondering what she did wrong. And my feeling offended is still not going to bring me any satisfaction!
If we leap at the opportunity to take offense at anything that could be interpreted as a criticism, what happens? Those who care about us will avoid expressing themselves, lest their opinions will be taken “the wrong way.” When we can’t be open, relationships can be damaged.
Another unhelpful effect is that we don’t hear truth. Truths are sometimes hard. If we are so easily offended that people will only tell us what they believe we will tolerate hearing, then we get a distorted view of the world. Later, when the truth comes out, we wonder, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” “Ahh, we thought you’d be offended.”
Choosing generosity means that you can talk to me without being afraid that you’ll offend me. You don’t have to be perfect in everything you say. Our relationship is robust enough to withstand some flaws. Simply put, “It’s ok.”
James Clear sends a weekly emailed newsletter. It’s free and I’ve found that he often provides good food for thought. If you would like to get it yourself, search for James Clear, or ask me and I’ll send you a link.
What do you consider to be generous behaviour ?
