What do you want? What do you really, really want? Some people don’t like to think about what they want. They believe that it’s selfish, or so unattainable that it’s depressing to think about it. Maybe we believe there is so much going on; we can’t be bothered with thinking about what we want.
Yet, the first word, the “W” in the WDEP process for Reality Therapy, is Want. What do I want? Does it matter? Of course it does. Otherwise, how will you know when you have it?
Wants aren’t necessarily selfish; they can be totally selfless, even noble. We’re talking about your wants; you get to choose.
We use our want (or wants) as the benchmark to evaluate whether the actions we are taking are effective. Based on what we find, we plan future actions. If we see that we are moving closer to having what we want, we would likely continue doing what we are doing. If we are not making progress toward our wants, we might consider changing what we are doing. When our wants generally match what we actually have, we have a reasonably satisfied life. That’s the idea, anyway.
If having a satisfying life is so simple, then why are so many people dissatisfied? Here’s one possibility to consider.
Our wants could be fixed, or they can change. For example, one common want is to have a comfortable place to live. That want may remain constant from childhood to seniorhood.
However, the details may change as circumstances change. What we considered comfortable when we were 20 may seem no longer sufficient when we’re 40. Our definition of “comfortable place” has changed.
This shifting is like a desert mirage. The oasis in the distance moves as you get closer. You never get there; never get to sit by the beautiful pool in the desert, drinking adult beverages and enjoying the warmth. So close, yet so far away.
What does shifting our wants mean for our everyday lives? One effect could be that we never experience the satisfaction of saying, “I am content.”
When we have fixed wants, we can make plans and devise strategies that will help us get closer to achieving them. We can measure our progress: are we closer or further from having what we want? However, if our want keeps shifting, we can’t measure progress as effectively.
There can be an upside to upping our wants, of course. It’s a way to aspire to greater things. Consciously changing our wants to reflect a new situation or new capabilities can drive us toward greater achievement and improvement.
For example, maybe you want to have a certain dollar value in your bank account; a fixed want. You diligently save your pennies and the balance creeps up; finally you realize you’ve made it! You’ve achieved your want! But now you have additional needs, and there’s inflation, and the original goal isn’t big enough anymore. So, you change your want and strive toward the new one. It’s progress.
Another source of shifting wants can come from comparing ourselves with others. You didn’t want an exotic vacation until you saw somebody who had one and it looked so inviting and life is so short, etc. We can always find a way to justify a new want, and it’s helpful to be able to recognize where it’s coming from.
If you find that you spend more time than you’d like feeling vaguely dissatisfied, consider examining your wants. See whether you are meeting them, whether they have been shifting, and importantly, where that shifting has come from.
What do you find when you examine your wants?
