Reality Check: What We Tell Ourselves

Do you talk to yourself? Some people have a rich inner conversation going on in their heads all the time; others have no idea what I’m referring to. That’s just another reminder of how different people are!
This column is targeted toward folks who do know what it means to have some kind of internal monologue. There seem to be quite a few of us, too. We use our internal conversations to help us think things through, to envision, create, and to work out problems.
Those conversations sometimes include asking questions of ourselves. For example, we might ask, “I wonder what I’ll be doing in five years” “Does X like me?” or “Should I get a new kitten?”
We also tell ourselves about ourselves. And as we know ourselves better than anyone else, you’d think that what we tell ourselves would be spot-on, wouldn’t you? But is it? You tell me. Are your thoughts about yourself always accurate?
Your first response could be, “Of course they are.” But then, a reasonable follow-up question is, “Do your thoughts about yourself change?”
For example, let’s say it’s one of those days when everything is going wrong. You’re not feeling great. Then the dog throws up, the power goes off, the boss demands that you come in early. You just want to go back to bed. What’s your internal conversation? Maybe it’s, “I’m not cut out to deal with all of this; I can’t do it.”
Let’s move on to the next day. You’ve finished a successful project; your boss is telling you how impressive you are; friends are inviting you to get together and have some fun. What’s your internal conversation now? Different, isn’t it? Now you’re telling yourself that you can deal with whatever comes your way, even if unpleasant events occur. You are resilient.
Yet, you are the same person that you were the day before. But what you are telling yourself is quite different. Which perspective is accurate?
You may be thinking, “Both are accurate; they are just accurate at different times and in different circumstances.” OK. Which perspective would you rather have? And, if you do prefer one over the other, do you have any control over which one comes to mind?
Some thoughts seem to “pop” into our heads uncontrollably. However, by taking deliberate action, we can exert some control over what we think, and therefore, what we tell ourselves.
Repetition is a powerful way to get results. If we want to have a healthier body, repetitive exercise is one way to achieve it. If we want to become wiser, repetitive study can enlighten us. If we want to be a more skilled musician, repetitive practice can make it happen. The benefits of repetition are well-known over a variety of fields.
Choosing a repetitive thought pattern can influence our perception of ourselves.
Here’s an experiment that you might find interesting. This week, pay attention to what you say about yourself (out loud or in your head.) Listen for comments like, “I can’t handle this,” “I’m not very smart,” “I’m so confused,” “I’m disorganized.”
Try replacing those with different phrases. For example, “I can do difficult things; I can handle this.” “I can learn what I need to.” “I can find someone who can help me.” “I can get myself organized by proceeding one step at a time.”
See if it makes a difference in how well things work for you. Then let me know

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