Do you ever have moments in conversation when you wonder, “Should I speak up? Or is it better to bite my tongue?”
In some cases, it can seem like we don’t even have a choice. Let’s say someone has said something hurtful about you or one you love. We might reflexively lash out. No choice, right?
Yet even then, do we really have no choice?
Consider: A person we don’t like says something that we interpret as an insult. We immediately set them straight! But what if we hear the same words from someone else? Like our boss? Or a family member we love and respect? Would we hold back then? A more pointed question: Could we hold back then?
If we can; if it’s possible to choose to respond differently depending on who is speaking, this tells us that we do have some control. We need not be completely ruled by our impulses.
Further, we can practice developing more control if we choose to do so. More control doesn’t mean we never lash out; it means we choose what to do. Having the ability to deliberately choose our response actually gives us more freedom, not less.
It can be a comforting excuse to tell ourselves, “I’m hot-headed. It’s just the way I am.” If so, it may be useful to also ask, “How well is this behaviour working for me?”
There can also be times when we wish we had spoken up but failed to do so. That topic came up in a recent conversation with “Marsha;” we were discussing the reality of old friends moving away, passing away, or becoming incapacitated. With those changes, our opportunity to say what we wanted them to know has passed away too.
What do we regret losing the opportunity to say?
Marsha found that it’s the compliments that she regrets having left unsaid. For example, “There was an incident where my friend showed great courage, and I am sad that I didn’t tell her how much I admired what she did.”
What Marsha didn’t find were any cases such as, “I wish I’d called XX a dummy when I had the chance.” I’ve used the label “dummy,” but we know that there are many harsher labels casually tossed around.
If you really believe that someone needs to hear your negative opinion of them, tomorrow may be plenty soon enough to let them know. It’s unlikely that they will miraculously change overnight, so if you think the label applies today, it’ll certainly still apply (in your opinion) tomorrow.
By then you’ll have had some time to ponder, if you choose to do so. Do you still want to let them know your view? Maybe so? Maybe not? If they never hear it, will it matter?
However, tomorrow may be too late to tell someone they are doing a good job, that you love them, respect them, that they show courage or morality or serve as an example for you.
If you are unsure whether to speak up or stay silent, my suggestion is to ask, “If I remain silent, and it turns out that I never get the chance to say this, would I regret it? Might I be relieved? Or might it make no difference in the long run?
Or try this shortcut: If it’s a compliment, say it now. If it’s an insult, wait.
Do you wonder when to speak up? Might this help?
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Welcome to Reality Check:
articles and observations inspired by the work of Dr. William GlasserCategories