Reality Check: Is It Infectious?

Post-pandemic, we’re all aware of how easy it can be to catch something nasty. Thus, we take measures to prevent getting infected. We might avoid situations where we could be exposed to disease or we might try to build up our general health. Putting in a small effort to potentially prevent a big negative outcome is a pretty good investment!
Our bodies aren’t the only part of us that could “catch” something, though. How about feelings? Are they infectious?
When researching information on tough conversations, I came across this statement by Dr. Mike Bechtle. He says, “Watch your own emotions. Anger is contagious; make sure you don’t catch it.”
Different people have different perspectives on what constitutes a tough conversation. Some workplace conversations can be tough. A tough conversation might be telling an adult child that it’s time for them to make their own way. Or maybe you’re concerned about a conversation where you will be pressured to do something against your wishes.
Those conversations matter. If we handle that workplace conversation badly, the outcome could affect our livelihood. A conversation with a child that goes poorly could permanently damage the relationship. And giving in to pressure against our better judgment might bring short-term peace, but likely won’t help the relationship or our self-respect in the long run.
One common factor of tough conversations is that they can trigger strong emotions. Consider the example of the adult child. That doesn’t have to be a tough conversation. It could be a logical discussion of options, how to head off potential problems, the benefits of making a change. The conversation could be satisfying for everyone.
However, if the conversation becomes angry; if it raises criticism, resentment, blaming, then it’s tough, isn’t it? Once that happens, logic and listening go out the window and the possibility of a win-win deteriorates.
When you’re on the receiving end of anger, you could get “infected.” When we feel accused or abused, our reflex is often to return it in kind, or worse. That infection doesn’t help us think more clearly, make better decisions, or improve any relationships in the long run.
What to do? Anger is often expressed as statements and accusations, “You this!”” and “You that!” If you believe that you may be at risk of being “infected,” here’s a suggestion: Focus on questions.
Concentrating on questions could distract you from the anger and help you avoid getting caught up and infected by emotion.
For example, the immediate response of the wayward adult child to a conversation about their future may be accusations and anger. You won’t make much headway with someone who is in the heat of those emotions.
Try questions, not accusations, such as, “Where do you see yourself in a year’s time?” “What steps do you need to take?” “What’s the smallest first step you can take toward that goal?” “Is there anything you’re afraid of?” You might also ask, if you really want to know, “Do you want/need my help with that first step?”
Approach the conversation with genuine curiosity, honestly wanting to learn the answers.
Ultimately, you are in charge of you and I am in charge of me. It doesn’t always feel that way, especially when strong emotions are at work. Knowing that we can be infected could be our first defense against getting caught up in an angry place where we don’t want to be.
Have you developed immunity against being infected by anger? How?